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Note: This is not a real episode transcript.  This is something I wrote while the non-sponsors were waiting for episode 49 to be made available to them, and in no way represents the actual plot of Red vs Blue.

Episode 49: Roaming Charges

Fade in to Caboose standing at the panel
Church:
Caboose, are you there? Can you hear me?
Sarge:
What in Jimminy's racket's going on here?
Caboose:
I found Church! He is going to be so happy!
Sarge:
You found Church? Where is he?
Caboose:
He is in this box.
Grif:
You trapped him in a box?
Church:
By the time you hear this, I'll be in a box.
Caboose:
He is inside! We must get him out of this box!
Grif:
That box is like one foot squared, there's no way he's in there.
Caboose:
He just said he is! Don't worry Church! I am coming!
Cut to Church in Marathon
Church:
By the time you hear this, I'll be in a box. I've been talking to some people here, and it turns out I'm three thousand years in the past.
Wyoming:
Can I say hi?
Church:
No you can't say hi, I'm leaving a message for Caboose.
Wyoming:
Out of all the people you know, you're leaving it for Caboose? Why not Alisson, or Omega?
Church:
Law of averages. After so long being a screw-up, he's gotta be good for something. Where was I... Oh yes, right. It turns out I'm in the past. And Wyoming's here. I know I can't live for three thousand years, so I'm going to chryogenically freeze myself in a sleep chamber. I'll need you, or someone smarter, to wake me.
Wyoming:
What about me? You don't really expect me to just hang around here for three thousand years while you sleep in the tube, do you?
Church:
Sorry Wyoming, but I promised myself a long time ago that I'd never share my bed with another man, and I'm keeping that promise.
Computer:
(in robotic voice) Don't worry, Wyoming. I can keep you company.
Wyoming:
Do you know how to make tea?
Computer:
I know many knock knock jokes.
Church:
Look, Caboose, whatever you do-
Computer:
(in background) Knock knock.
Church:
...Don't destroy the computer.
Wyoming:
(in background) Who's there?
Church:
You're going to need it to wake me up.
Computer:
Foomanch.
Church:
When you get there, just press the big red button.
Wyoming:
Foomanch who?
Computer:
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Church:
Would you two cut it out?
Cut to Donut and Tucker, with Tucker holding the sword
Donut:
Hey, that's really cool!
Tucker:
Yeah. And it cuts stuff too.
Donut:
Can I try? Let me try. I need to dice some carrots!
Tucker:
Dice some carrots? Why?
Donut:
For the casserole! If we're going to be staying here, we should at least have some real food in the fridge.
Tucker:
That's ridiculous! Where are you going to get a pot to cook it in?
Donut:
I'll just use that guy's helmet.
Pan over to the Red Zealot
Tucker:
Well, I don't know about letting you use it for cutting vegetables, but check this out.
Tucker slashes through the air with the sword, hitting the Red Zealot's lifeless corpse and making blood splatter up
Donut:
COOL!
Cut back to Caboose, Sarge and Grif, now joined by Simmons
Caboose:
I do not understand. I took apart the box, but Church is not inside!
Grif:
I told you he wasn't in there. Who're you gonna believe, me, or someone you haven't seen in a thousand years?
Caboose:
I want to believe both of you! But I can't, because Church is not here.
Simmons:
Sir, I found Lopez's head.
Sarge:
Just his head? What about the rest of him?
Simmons:
I don't know, sir. Tex shot him.
Sarge:
I knew that woman couldn't be trusted. Last time I trusted a woman, she stole my antelope!
Grif:
Stole your what? What were you doing with an antelope?
Sarge:
I've tried to suppress that memory.
Caboose:
Antelopes are fluffy! I like to pet them and hold them in my hand.
Grif:
Antelopes aren't small you idiot, they're like small moose, only not from Canada.
Sarge:
Simmons, where's Lopez's severed head?
Simmons:
It's over here sir, in this hole.
Sarge and Simmons walk over and look down a hole, to see Lopez's head
Lopez:
Es oscuro, donde está mi madre.
Caption:
I am lonely down here.
Sarge:
Lopez, are you okay?
Lopez:
No puedo sentirme los dedos del pie.
Caption:
I feel trapped.
Grif:
That's weird, I figured he'd be a lot more angry considering he's working with O'Malley now.
Simmons:
I think Tex's bullet straightened out his programming. Or it got stuck inside him and made him realize where he really belongs.
Caboose:
Sargeant! I have found a Church in a tube! Church will be so proud of me!
Tucker:
(entering with Donut) Hey everyone, I'm here!
Donut:
Who wants hors d'eurves?
Caboose:
Tucker! I found Church!
Tucker:
Church? Where!?
Caboose:
He is in this tube! But I can't get him out.
Tucker:
Hold on, let me use this blade thingie to break the lock.
Fade out
Sound of things breaking
Tucker:
Oops.
Sarge:
Caboose, what have you done to Church?
Caboose:
Tucker did it!