Episode 3: Barriers to Entry

Fade in to Wash overseeing Tucker doing squats
Tucker:
Sixty! Sixty-one! Sixty-two! Sixty-three! Sixty-four! Sixty-five! Sixty-six! Sixty-seven! Sixty-eight! Sixty-nine...
Tucker doesn't stand back up
Washington:
Tucker, you can't keep stopping on sixty-nine.
Tucker:
No, this time, my legs went out.
Washington:
Huhh, come on.
Tucker:
O-hohou, holy Christ. I haven't been this sore since that bachelorette party on Bourbon Street.
Washington:
You want me to believe you banged an entire bachelorette party.
Tucker:
I want you to, but really the groom just showed up and cracked three of my ribs.
Washington:
That's what I thought.
Tucker:
Why do we have to train so much? We never had to do squats when Church was in charge.
Washington:
Exactly. I'd say you two have fallen out of shape, but generally in order to fall out of something, you have to be in it first.
Tucker:
Hey, that's funny, you should write comedy Wash. Why make one person miserable when you can work over an entire room?
Washington:
Alright, time for sprints.
Tucker:
Fuck you.
Washington:
I want five laps, around the canyon.
Tucker:
Die, in, a fire.
Washington:
Six laps around the canyon.
Tucker:
Hey, why isn't Caboose down here? Shouldn't you be making him do dumbbell curls, or inverted pushups or something?
Washington:
I think he's having one of his, off-days.
Tucker:
Ohw.
Cut to Red Base (such as it is) and Sarge coming partway down a ramp to address Grif and Simmons
Sarge:
Men, it has come to my attention that we've been approaching this base problem from the wrong direction.
Simmons:
What do you mean?
Sarge:
I mean we've been approaching it from the outside. What we should have been focusing on is the interior. The layout is all wrong! Upon reflection, I've realized that a man with my military expertise, requires more private quarters; a place where I can reflect upon my past victories, and contemplate, on my non-existent failures.
Grif:
Is the place called "Denial?"
Sarge:
Which is why I ordered Private Grif here to erect this new wall.
Simmons looks around
Simmons:
Okay I give up.
Grif:
The sandbags.
Hey check it out, there's about a dozen sandbags at Sarge's feet arranged in roughly a straight line... sort of
Sarge:
Heh heh heh heh.
Simmons:
What? That's the wall?
Sarge:
Grif, I asked you to give me a proper erection, not to stiff me!
Simmons:
So glad Donut's not here.
Grif:
Hey, it's not like I'm some expert carpenter or something.
Simmons:
This isn't even carpentry: this is stacking things in a straight line. Poorly.
Grif:
Well, it's all I could find, so build a bridge and get over it.
Simmons:
Hey, Grif, when I build the bridge, should I use a few sandbags, or you know, something fucking useful?
Sarge:
Useful or not, I hereby declare that from this point forward, this side of the wall is to be reserved for my own personal use!
Simmons:
Wait wait wait, you get half of the base all to yourself? What about me and Grif?
Sarge:
Sorry Simmons, 'fraid I can't hear you from the next room. These walls are just too thick!
Simmons:
But I-
Sarge:
Enjoy your new roommate! Heh heh.
Sarge fucks off
Grif:
Ground rules: if there's a sock on the door, do not come in.
Simmons:
But we don't have socks. Or a door.
Grif:
And I don't have an Internet connection, but we've all got to find some way to masturbate now don't we.
Cut to Caboose ...somewhere
Caboose:
Sigh. Groan. Oh woe is me. Oh I don't know what it even means.
Washington:
Still... standing in the corner, Caboose?
Ah, he's in a corner
Caboose:
Oh yeah, you know I I i-ch- yeah I just miss Church sometimes.
Washington:
I know you do buddy. He was your leader for a really long time.
Caboose:
Yeah I am just- I am just so lost without him I- I don't even recognize my own face.
Washington:
Well... au- you don't have your old helmet, any more Caboose. Also your helmet and face are not the same thing.
Caboose:
Oh God, that explains the blinking contest. Why did you have to tell me that? Aw it's- you just made it worse.
Washington:
Look, Caboose. I'm sure that somewhere out there, Church is thinking about how much he misses you too.
Caboose:
You really think so?
Cut to a flashback with Caboose yelling, with Church and Wash both present and Church talking over top of him
Church:
Shut up, just shut your mouth.
Caboose:
-get pictures together! We'll ride bikes, and show pride.
Church:
Shut up! Shut up.
Caboose:
And then we're gonna go to the fair, and we are gonna ride boats. And then we are gonna finger paint-
Church:
Caboose! For the love of God, shut the fuc-
Cut back to Wash talking to Caboose
Washington:
...Yeah. Why don't you go for a walk? Take a little time to clear your head.
Caboose:
Yeah... yeah I just- yeah I'll go on a walk by myself I guess. That won't be depressing at all.
He walks off
Caboose:
Ah... oh God... I am walking by myself now. Aaoauh. Aaah.
Washington:
Heuh. What am I gonna do with him.
Over his shoulder, Tucker is walking
Washington:
I said sprints, Private Tucker!
Tucker:
I'm going to spit in your next meal! And it's not gonna be spit! If you know what I'm talking about!
 

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