Episode 4: Heavy Mettle

Fade in to Caboose wandering all by his onesome
Caboose:
Depression. Loneliness. Confusion. Slight indigestion. Oh Church! Oh I miss you so much! Who is supposed to be my best friend while you are gone? May-uh Tucker? That guy isn't even a shade of blue. Like a... aqua.
Something snaps somewhere ...and that doesn't refer to anyone's sanity this time
Caboose:
Hello? Uhm, who's there? Tucker is that you? Agent Washington? Hello?
His voice echos from the hole he approached
Caboose's Echo:
Hello?
Caboose:
Oh; that was just me. That was stupid. Have a nice day.
Caboose's Echo:
Thanks you too.
Caboose:
Well I am a very pleasant person.
Something falls somewhere
Caboose:
Okay me, you can cut it out now. This is getting a little silly.
He approaches
Caboose:
Hch! Hello.
Cut to Tucker and Wash standing next to a cone
Washington:
Tucker, in basic training, there's a point when the drill sargeant attempts to break his or her soldiers, so that they may overcome their civilian mindset and focus on the responsibility, and selflessness of becoming a true soldier.
Tucker:
Uh, bro, I went through Basic ages ago. True soldier, standin' right here.
Washington:
What is the UNSC motto?
Tucker:
When in doubt, rub one out.
Washington:
I am going, to break you, Private Tucker.
Tucker:
Oooh, I'm shaking in my armor.
Washington:
Inside this tunnel is an elaborate obstacle course designed to test both your reflexes, and your mettle.
Tucker:
Uhh, like, copper?
Washington:
No that's metal; I said mettle.
Tucker:
Whatever.
Washington:
On your mark, get set...
Tucker:
This is such bull-
Wash shoots Tucker in the ass
Tucker:
-shit! Ohow, okay, I'm going.
He runs in and jumps over a sandbag wall
Tucker:
Hup!
He runs past and shoots at some cones on a wall
Tucker:
Stupid fucking cones.
He swords his way through a wood barricade
Tucker:
Woop.
He encounters several mines
Tucker:
Jesus Christ.
Bullets stream past him, some of which hit him in the helmet
Tucker:
Oh my God where is this coming from?
He runs past a desert scene with cliffs and tanks and airships
Tucker:
Who are these people!?
He drives in a jeep down a hallway
Tucker:
What the fuck is going on?
He exits between two cones to the sound of a briefly ringing bell
Tucker:
Huh, huh, hchuh, huh huh...
Washington:
Congratulations Private, that time was, ...adequate, for a, beginner.
Tucker:
I, what was- hguh, I don't-
Washington:
Just an adrenaline rush Tucker, it'll wear off.
Tucker:
I'm, I'm...
Washington:
Shaking in your armor?
Caboose enters
Caboose:
Oh boy oh boy oh hello, hello.
Caboose wanders seemingly aimlessly, whispering to himself
Washington:
Caboose, glad to see you're feeling better, I've got a little exercise for you. Inside this cave is an elaborate obstacle course designed to-
Caboose enters, something explodes, and he exits the other side almost immediately
Caboose:
Okay now that was fun how'd I do so good now no more questions thank you goodbye!
Washington:
...I think that's enough training for today.
Tucker:
Yeah.
Washington:
Uh, I'm, gonna go work on the comm tower.
Tucker:
Yeah.
Cut to Grif and Simmons inside their half of the base
Simmons:
Hey, roomie, uh, you got a second for me?
Grif:
'Sup?
Simmons:
Oh you know, not much, not much uh, oh so- question for you.
Grif:
Uh huh.
Simmons:
By any chance, you know have you seen my toothbrush?
Grif:
Uhh, I don't think so.
Simmons:
Uhokay, okay, uh, you sure?
Grif:
Yeah.
Simmons:
Huhh, 'cause you know I'm pretty sure I saw you with it earlier.
Grif:
Dude, you're acting weird.
Simmons:
Mm what? What do you mean?
Grif:
I mean, clearly you're accusing me of using your toothbrush, but instead of just coming out and saying it, you're being really passive-aggressive and tip-toeing around the accusation.
Simmons:
Huh.
Grif:
You did the same thing when I left the lights on, and when I put my boots on your side of the room.
Simmons:
Mmhmm?
Grif:
And I feel like there's this constant tension growing between us? That's inevitably going to erupt, over what would normally be considered a small issue.
Simmons:
Yeah, well... you know I wouldn't be asking you about my toothbrush if I hadn't seen you with it earlier.
Grif:
I used your toothbrush.
Simmons:
You FUCK!
Simmons points his gun at Grif
Grif:
Dude what's wrong with you!?
Simmons:
What's wrong with me, what's wrong with you? You keep stacking dishes in the sink. I don't even think you've eaten off of some of them. For all I know you're doing it because you're fucking bored.
Grif:
Wait, isn't the sink just where dishes go?
Simmons:
NO, they go in the cupboard!
Grif:
We have a cupboard?
Sarge enters stage left, on his side of the room
Sarge:
Hey, keep it down in there! I'm tryin' to watch my stories.
Simmons:
Sarge, please, tear down the wall. I can't take Grif's laziness in small spaces!
Sarge:
I'm sorry Simmons, but we all have to make sacrifices. Except for me because I'm in charge.
Grif:
Hey Simmons? This probably isn't the best time to say this, but uh, we're out of toilet paper.
Simmons:
What? How?
Turns out somebody TP'd the tank
Grif:
I don't know.
Washington:
M-hm-hm- I believe you borrowed my toolbox.
Simmons:
What do you need a toolbox for?
Washington:
Repairing the comm tower. I know you three are having fun, playing house, but I'd really rather leave this place.
Sarge:
Playing house? Son, this is a highly-
Sarge walks over the sandbags, then realizes his mistake
Sarge:
Whoops, forgot to use the door. Doo do-doo doo doo.
Washington:
The toolbox.
Grif:
Upstairs.
Washington:
Show me.
Grif:
Huhhh. Fine. But don't touch any of my stuff.
Washington:
Auh, this place is a pigsty.
Grif:
It's not a pigsty Wash, it's a way of life.
Simmons:
Hey Sarge, didn't we recover an old robot building kit from the crash?
Sarge:
Sure did. Makes a great footrest. I like to prop my feet up while I'm watching my stories.
Simmons:
Well, if we were to repurpose the robot's radio transmitter for the comm tower, we might be able to-
Sarge:
Simmons, I'm gonna have to stop you before your terrible plan becomes any more terrible.
Simmons:
Ohw.
Sarge:
Fortunately, I believe we may be able to use this robot kit to build some sort of robot. We can put it to work constructing a radio transmitter. And then the comm tower will be fixed in no time!
...I swear Burnie, if Lopez comes back...
Simmons:
But- don't you think it would be better if-
Sarge:
Not at all, let's build a robot.
Simmons:
I hate them.
Washington:
Are those my socks?
Grif:
Yeah, but you probably don't want those back.
Simmons:
I hate all of them.
 

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