Episode 5: A Real Fixer Upper

Fade in to Wash working on the comm tower, and Tucker standing near him
Tucker:
I'm just saying, I feel like someone should have found us by now.
Washington:
Hm.
Tucker:
You know it's like, if a plane crashes and disappears, that's fine, civilians, whatever.
Washington:
Not sure if I agree with you on that.
Tucker:
But this was a fucking spaceship. That's like, national tragedy level important.
Washington:
It was a big ship.
Tucker:
And what about GPS? The Galactic Positioning System should've been able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday.
Washington:
How, do you know that?
Tucker:
Uh...
Cut to Tucker on the bridge of a ship
Crewman:
And the Galactic Positioning System would be able to inform command of our location within seconds of a mayday, so even if the ship were to crash, rescue would be practically immediate. Isn't that rad?
Tucker:
Cool, nerd stuff. Hey, smerg alert, is it just me or is that blonde over there checking me out?
Crewman:
Who, the pilot?
Tucker:
Yeah, she's definitely checking me out.
Crewman:
Wait, you can't go over there!
Tucker:
Hey baby, I hear you're a pilot. Think you could, pull up on my throttle? Bow chicka bow wow-
Klaxons and red lights go off
Cut back to Wash and Tucker
Tucker:
I read it in a book?
Washington:
I don't believe you. Then again I don't really care.
Tucker:
Whew.
Washington:
Hey-
Tucker:
Whoa whoa what? Nothing.
Washington:
What, happened to my soldering iron?
Tucker:
Oh. Uh, I don't know.
Washington:
Dammit! This would be going, so much faster, if I didn't have to keep tracking down equipment every five minutes.
Tucker:
What do you think the Reds took it?
Wash cocks his gun and impersonates Sarge
Washington:
Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards. Let's steal Washington's tank, and fire at our walls; that'll fix it.
Tucker:
...
Washington:
Yes, I think the Reds took it.
Tucker:
Man, why are you so wound up all the time?
Washington:
Because every second we're here is another second closer to death. Or worse.
Tucker:
What's worse than death?
Washington:
I, don't know, I just thought it sounded dramatic.
Tucker:
Come on, it's not that bad. I mean if we were back in Blood Gulch, we'd be doing the exact same shit, you know?
Washington:
There's just something about this place. I can't help but feel like we're being watched.
Tucker:
Oh please, people get that feeling all the time. I had it for years.
Washington:
But that's because you were being watched. You were monitored by a secret organization for every second, of every day.
Tucker:
Well I don't feel like I'm being watched now.
Washington:
Thank you, I feel much more secure.
Tucker:
Don't be a dick.
Washington:
Then don't be an idiot.
Tucker:
The fuck is your problem?
Washington:
My problem, is that you're absolutely right. Somebody should have found us by now. Now where the hell is that Goddamn soldering iron?
Cut to Caboose crouched in the dark
Caboose:
Boy you're lucky I came by. What is a little fella like you doin' way out here?
The sound of something cracking happens
Caboose:
Hey... no moving. Have to get you out of here first. Don't worry... we're gonna be best friends.
Cut to the Reds at their base
Simmons:
You're an idiot.
Grif:
Am I Simmons, or am I just a man who's willing to ask the hard questions?
Simmons:
You're definitely an idiot.
Sarge:
You're both idiots. Now keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus.
Sarge is working on the robot
Grif:
Terminator; The Matrix; Battlestar Galactica; everything points to robot domination of the human race!
Simmons:
Well technically some Cylons relied more on synthetic biology and not conventional robotics, but that was only in the series reboot. And you know those are pretty rare.
Grif:
Fine, then Wall-E. It doesn't matter. I just think it's strange that we're not already bowing down to our robot overlords.
Simmons:
I'm a cyborg, you wanna bow down to me?
Grif:
Pass.
Simmons:
Fuck you meatsack, your logic is flawed.
Grif:
You are the biggest fucking nerd. You know that right, I mean you really know that?
Simmons:
You must construct additional pylons. Rrr-wrr-rrr
Sarge:
Well Optimus Prime's knuckle, I think we're in business.
The robot stands up straight
Sarge:
Ladies, I would like to introduce you to the newest addition to Red Team.
Simmons:
Can it, talk?
Robot:
...Hola.
Caption:
Hello.
Simmons:
You've got to be kidding!
Grif:
Oh come on!
Fucking Burnie... well, I guess I have some people to kill
Sarge:
Huh. That is an unfortunate coincidence.
Grif:
Spanish. Why is it fucking Spanish? Why not French, or German? Or Sangeli?
Because fuck us all, that's why
Robot:
Lo siento. ¿Mi lección de idion no complacerte? Mi configuración del sistema actualmente se establecen en Español.
Caption:
I'm sorry. Does my language choice not please you? My system settings are currently set to Spanish.
Sarge:
Heh heh, you know, it almost feels like the good ol' days. Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot, and a couple of complete idiots.
Simmons:
You're talking about Grif and Donut, right?
Grif:
Thanks dickhead.
Sarge:
Lopez Dos-Point-Oh, it's good to have you aboard.
Lopez Dos:
Gracias Maestro. Es mi deber-
Caption:
Thank you Master. It's my duty to--
Sarge:
Now get to work, slacker!
Lopez Dos:
¿Perdón?
Caption:
Excuse me?
Sarge:
Comm tower. Middle of the canyon. Repairo, los rapido.
Grif:
It's Spanish Sarge, not Harry Potter.
Lopez Dos:
Sueno como si usted tiene algun equipo que está en necesidad de reparación. ¿Eso es correcto?
Caption:
It sounds as if you have some equipment that's in need of repair. Is that correct?
Sarge:
Hm. He's not doing anything.
Grif:
Maybe he's stupid.
Sarge:
Robot! Do you, understand, us? Comprehende?
Lopez Dos:
Sí.
Caption:
Yes.
Simmons:
Well, he knows what we're saying, so I guess he's just stupid.
Lopez Dos:
Les puedo asegurar estoy realizando en una encima de la media-
Caption:
I can assure you, I am performing at an above average--
Sarge:
Uh, poor stupid Lopez Dos-Point-Oh. Well, let's just take him over to the comm tower.
Grif:
Why? He's a moron.
Sarge:
Yep, but maybe he'll end up being like a Rainman-type moron. We could get him one of those grey suits.
Lopez Dos:
Haré mi mejor esfuerzo para servirle a usted amo.
Caption:
I will do my best to serve you.
Simmons:
Hh, what a shame.
 

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