Episode 6: S.O.S.

Fade in to loud thumping noises coming from Caboose's cave
Caboose:
It's alive. It's alive! It- aw it's dead. ...Now it's alive again! Oh great tha now it glows.
Cut to Wash working on the tower, and Tucker on the ground near it
Tucker:
Okay how 'bout now?
Washington:
...Nothing.
Tucker:
Hold on... okay, try it again.
Washington:
...Still nothing.
Tucker:
Balls.
Washington:
Hey what exactly are you doing down there?
Tucker:
Oh you know- calibrating.
Washington:
...Calibrating.
Tucker:
Yeah.
Washington:
You haven't done anything have you.
Tucker:
Dude, I don't know what I'm doing, or why you sent me down here.
Washington:
Right. Guess I should have expected that.
Tucker:
Hey Wash, I think we've got a situation.
Washington:
What kind of-
Wash looks down and sees the Reds all next to Tucker
Washington:
Oh.
Grif:
Good to see you too.
Washington:
What do you want?
Sarge:
Figured it'd be a good idea to come over and lend a hand.
Washington:
No, that's a terrible idea. Please, don't touch anything.
Simmons:
But we could provide tech support.
Sarge:
Have you tried usin' any D-batteries.
Washington:
Power isn't our problem. These battery arrays are solar.
Sarge:
Well there's your problem, this baby needs to be converted to diesel on the pronto!
Washington:
Solar is field standard for communication systems.
Sarge:
Well ooh-la-la Private Hippie. Hey, I got an idea: why don't we just plant a garden then? Grow some more canyon sun-dried tomatoes, and open a Farmer's Market. Then on the first Saturday of the month, when the UNSC chefs show up to buy some fresh sustainable produce, we just hop on board and ride back on the power of love.
Washington:
Tucker, if they touch anything, or if he makes any more suggestions, pry them with your sword.
Tucker:
Ha ha, now that's something I can get behind. Bow chicka bow w- wait, no. No no no no no.
Sarge:
Fine, then I guess you don't want any help from our incredibly advanced robotic companion.
Lopez Dos:
Hola.
Caption:
Hello.
Washington:
Nnnope!
Grif:
Racist.
Sarge:
Hey tree-hugger: what if I told you it runs on recycled cooking grease? It's perfect, Grif sweats the stuff.
Grif:
What else was I supposed to drink once we ran out of soda?
Simmons:
There's always water.
Grif:
Please, what are we, cavemen?
Washington:
I said no.
Lopez Dos:
¿Seguro que no quieres ayuda? Esto parece ser una solución relevantemente simple.
Caption:
Are you sure you don't want help? This looks like a relatively simple fix.
Tucker:
Whoa, is that Lopez?
Simmons:
Not exactly. This one isn't very smart.
Lopez Dos:
Enserio chicos. Estoy buscando en el problema. Yo puedo arreglarlo ahora.
Caption:
Seriously, guys. I'm looking at the problem. I can fix it right now.
Tucker:
How can you tell?
Sarge:
Oh, a mother knows.
Lopez Dos:
Bueno si nadie me va a parar voy a arreglar se torre de radio.
Caption:
Okay, if nobody is going to stop me I'm going to fix your radio tower.
Washington:
Why don't you three go check on our food supply. It's been a while since I've done a full inventory.
Simmons:
You can't just shove your bitch work on us. What do we look like?
Tucker:
Uh... bitches?
Washington:
Tucker, I want one hundred squats.
Tucker:
What? But it was leg day yesterday!
Washington:
You're a space marine, Private; every day is leg day.
Tucker:
...This is bullshit.
Tucker starts doing squats
Grif:
Hah, who's the bitch now?
Tucker:
Your sister was my bitch if I remember correctly.
Grif:
What did you say to me bitch?
Washington:
No-one, is a bitch, now both of you be quiet.
Grif:
Simmons is kind of a bitch.
Simmons:
Hey what the fuck!?
Sarge:
Ah can it Private Bitch.
Simmons:
Yes Sir.
and
Grif:
Bitch.
Washington:
I said, be quiet!
Wash hits the radio and it starts working
Grif:
Ho, lee, shit.
Washington:
It's working, I- I don't know what I did but it's working.
Lopez Dos:
¡Camaradas! ¡He reparado la torre de radio! ¿Estás satisfeco con mi actuación?
Caption:
Comrades! I have repaired the radio tower! Are you pleased with my performance?
Sarge:
Lopez, you're ruining the moment.
Washington:
Mayday, mayday, this is Agent Washington, can anybody read me, over.
Grif:
...Maybe they're screening our calls.
Simmons:
What do you mean 'they,' who is 'they?'
Grif:
I don't know, people who know us?
Tucker:
What?
Grif:
Look, I wouldn't pick up the phone if any of you fuckers called me.
Washington:
Mayday, mayday, we are survivors of a shipwreck and are in need of immediate rescue, please respond.
Tucker:
Don't call them back right away, you gotta wait or else you'll look desperate.
Simmons:
But we are desperate.
Washington:
Everyone shut up!
Grif:
Whoa.
Washington:
Mayday mayday, this is Agent Washington and the Red and Blue troopers of Project Freelancer. We are stranded, does anyone copy?
Washington:
Mayday this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier.
Washington:
Is anybody out there?
Washington:
Can anybody hear me?
Radio Voice:
(muffled) Hello, is somebody there?
Washington:
Yes! Yes we're here, do you read us?
Radio Voice:
Hello? Is this a prank call?
Washington:
No no no, this is real. Please you have to listen to me, my men and I are shipwrecked.
Simmons:
It's an emergency!
Grif:
Blackhawk down!
Sarge:
Code red!
Radio Voice:
What like a lightish red?
Tucker:
...What the fuck did he just say?
Radio Voice:
'Cause I mean, red has a pretty broad spectrum. There's scarlet, vermillion, like a deep burgundy.
Sarge:
Donut, is that you?
Because fucking of course
Donut:
Sarge? Oh hey guys! What have you all been up to?
Sarge:
We're stranded in the middle of the jungle with dwindling food and limited supplies.
Donut:
That sucks.
Grif:
No shit dickhead!
Sarge:
Donut, I need you to listen to me. You need to send help! Call Command.
Donut:
Command? I think I know a guy if you wanna turn this call into a three-way.
Sarge:
No! Don't do that. I need you to write down these coordinates.
Wash backs away and starts talking to the other guys instead of Donut
Washington:
Who is Donut again?
Simmons:
Cheery guy, pink armor?
Grif:
Kind of stupid.
Tucker:
And a little...
Washington:
Wait did I shoot him once?
Grif:
Bingo.
Washington:
Got it. ...And he's competent enough to trust with our lives?
Donut:
Sorry, did you say five, or nine?
Sarge:
I said eight.
Donut:
Oh.
Washington:
Right. Okay, Donut- those are our last known coordinates, but be sure to let the rescue team know that we've got no clue where we actually landed.
Donut:
Don't worry guys. No matter how deep the bush, Private Donut always finds his man.
Washington and
Sarge:
...
Sarge:
Roger that, son.
The signal starts to fade
Donut:
What was that? You're breaking up!
Washington:Just send help as fast as you can.
Donut:
Okey dokey!
The radio signal dies entirely
Grif:
So, what happened?
Sarge:
Well boys, I don't wanna jinx this or anything like that but... we're gonna be rescued!
Grif:
Woohoo! Woohoo!
Tucker:
Alright! Kickass!
Simmons:
Yeah! Yeah real good, I can't wait to eat a hot dog!
Washington:
Guys-
Sarge:
There's no possible way anything could go wrong! Everything is going to be good forever!
Simmons jumps up and down and Tucker drives the jeep in donuts
Simmons:
Forever's a long time too the end of days!
Tucker:
Yay!
Grif:
Everything in the past to go by tells me that's too good to be true but fuck it I'm excited anyway.
Washington:
Guys, it could still be a few days before they-
Sarge:
Let's eat all our food rations tonight, and then fire all of our excess ammunition indescriminately into the air to celebrate!
Everyone present except Wash fires into the air
Simmons:
Yeah, just like Al-Qaeda did it!
Grif:
I already did it last week!
Simmons:
And then, let's fix up that old Warthog that's been hanging near our base.
Grif and
Tucker:
Hah-y, what?
Simmons:
So that we can crash it into the other Warthog, because fuck it!
Tucker:
Yeah!
Sarge:
Yeaho!
Grif:
Yeahah, oh yeah, yeah violence.
Washington:
Listen, let's not get our hopes up just yet.
Tucker:
Aw come on Wash, lighten up. We did it, we made contact.
Washington:
Well... it is the first good news that we've had in a while.
Caboose runs up
Caboose:
Heuh, heuh... hey everyone!
Washington:
Caboose! Where've you been?
Caboose:
Yeah, I went on a walk like you said. And now, everything is gonna be good, forever!
Sarge:
Told ya so.
Washington:
Wait, Caboose, you were miserable, what happened?
Caboose:
Ah heh, well where are my manners? I haven't even introduced him.
Washington:
Introduced who?
Caboose:
Freckles! Come! *whistle*
Giant metal feet approach, and are revealed to be a giant killer robot
Caboose:
Everyone, I would like you to meet Freckles! Freckles- say hello.
Freckles:
Enemy soldiers detected.
Freckles is zeroing in on the Reds
Caboose:
No those aren't enemies Freckles, those are Grif and Simmons. Our enemy.
Freckles:
Firing main cannons.
Caboose:
No! Bad Freckles! Down.
Freckles:
Yes, Master Blue.
Caboose:
Bad Freckles. So- what're you guys up to?
Grif:
Eueueuh... euh...
Cut to some remote jungle
Washington:
Mayday mayday, this is Agent Washington and the Red and Blue troopers of Project Freelancer. We are stranded, does anyone copy? ... Mayday this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier. Is anybody out there? Can anybody hear me?
The camera pans down to reveal somebody listening
 

Rating: 0% (+0 / -0) Sign up or log in to rate this resource.

No feedback has been left on this yet. Why not be the first?

Sign up or sign in to comment on this resource.