Episode 7: Can I Keep It?

Fade in to the Blues and Freckles inside Blue Base
Tucker:
So...
Freckles turns to face Tucker
Tucker:
Never mind.
Washington:
Caboose...
Freckles turns to face Washington
Washington:
Tell me again, where did you find, this... robot?
Caboose:
His name is Freckles.
Tucker:
That's a stupid name.
Freckles turns to Tucker
Tucker:
Stupid-cool I mean, great name! I mean, I wish that were my name! Yeah, Freckles is the best name ever that there ever was.
Washington:
Technically it's a Mantis Class Military Assault Droid.
Tucker:
Wait, why Mantis?
Washington:
Well, you see those legs? They kind of resemble the legs of a preying mantis.
Tucker:
No they don't.
Washington:
Then, maybe it's the head shape?
Tucker:
Yeah, maybe because during the act of procreation they rip off the head off their mate's body and devour it? It's like an act of sexual cannibalism.
Washington:
Euh, what?
Tucker:
Eh, I've dated worse.
Caboose:
Yeah, I call him Freckles because of the spots on his nose.
Tucker:
Well shit, actually I have to give it to Caboose on this one. Robot definitely looks more like a Freckles than a Mantis.
Washington:
Fine. Where did you find, Freckles?
Caboose:
Well, I was walking, and I was sad, and I missed Church...
Tucker:
This is the greatest story of our generation.
Washington:
Quiet.
Caboose:
And then I heard a noise...
Tucker:
Seriously, it's like I was there.
Washington:
Tucker.
Caboose:
Yeah then I saw the little guy under like pieces of rock, and spaceship, and body parts- I had to move those out of the way, and then there he was! And now we're best friends forever, right Freckles?
Freckles:
Affirmative, Caboose.
Tucker:
Great. Boy meets dog, dog turns out to be a Military-grade killing machine from a crashed spaceship.
Washington:
Caboose. Um, you know, a pet is a lot of responsibility.
Caboose:
That is why I will water him and I will feed him every day.
Tucker:
Water and feed? What the hell does this thing run on?
Caboose:
It runs on the power of the friendship of our love.
Tucker:
This is so fucked up.
Washington:
Didn't you give birth to a baby alien a few years back?
Tucker:
Whoahoa, let's not bring family into this.
Caboose:
So, what fun adventures are we going to go on today Freckles?
Tucker:
Hah-I'm not doing shit. We're getting rescued soon, remember?
Washington:
Actually, I think it would be smart if we continued with our training routine.
Tucker:
What- why, there's no point!
Washington:
Training is an ongoing process, Tucker. And as the leader of this team, I wanna make sure that we're ready for anything.
Tucker:
This is fucking stupid. Nothing has happened since we crashed here.
Washington:
Well, you never know if someone...
Wash and Freckles look at each other
Washington:
-or something, will attack. So stop complaining, and start jogging.
Tucker:
And where are you going?
Washington:
I'm heading out to the ship. Someone needs to do an inventory of our food supplies. I'd prefer it be someone who can count.
Caboose:
I only screwed up twice.
Washington:
You screwed up once.
Caboose:
Yeah but I don't see your point.
Tucker:
So you're just gonna leave me with them?
Washington:
Five laps gentlemen. Tucker, make sure you count for Caboose.
Tucker:
Yeah right.
Freckles:
Disregarding a direct order from a commanding officer is punishable by death.
Tucker:
What? Since when?
Freckles:
Target locked.
Tucker:
God dammit, okay I'm going.
Caboose:
And who wants to go outside!? Who wants to go outside? Who wants to go outside- Freckles do you want to go outside? Outside, who wants to go outside? Do I wanna go outside? Why do I want to go outside? Let's all go outside.
Cut to Caboose and Freckles in exactly the same orientation but outside
Caboose:
Oh my God we're here!
Cut to a scope view of Caboose and Freckles
Caboose:
I'm really good at this game!
Cut to Sarge looking through a sniper rifle
Sarge:
Kuh- backstabbers.
Cut to Grif staring up into the air
Simmons:
Hey asshole, would it kill you to take out the trash for once?
Grif:
Simmons, I've been thinking.
Simmons:
I don't care, take out the fucking trash.
Grif:
Why do we carry our guns?
Simmons:
What?
Grif:
Our guns. Why do we carry 'em?
Simmons:
Because we're soldiers.
Grif:
Yeah, but we're not really fighting anybody are we.
Simmons:
Well, yeah, but you never know when we could be attacked.
Grif:
Attacked by who, the Blues?
Simmons:
Uh...
Grif:
We haven't fought a single goddamn enemy since arriving in this canyon. And yet here we are walking around in full body armor with a rifle in our hands, like the fucking galaxy's about to attack us any second.
Simmons:
What's your point?
Grif:
My point is, why don't we ever just walk around without our guns?
Simmons:
...
Grif:
Dude.
Simmons:
What?
Grif:
Drop your gun.
Simmons:
No.
Grif:
Why not?
Simmons:
I don't want to.
Grif:
You don't want to, or you can't?
Simmons:
Um, I'm, I'm going back inside.
Grif:
And thus Dexter Grif single-handedly avoids trash duty for the second day in a row. Hoo-rah.
Sarge:
Men, fall in, double time! This is not a drill!
Grif:
What the hell?
Simmons:
I knew there was a reason we were armed!
Red Team Assemble!
Simmons:
Sarge, what's wrong?
Sarge:
What's wrong- what's wrong!? How about scheming, traiting, conniving, commiserating, calooting, take your pick! Also, building a giant robot. Those Blues are up to no good!
Grif:
And here I was thinking something important was about to happen.
Simmons:
But Sir, didn't we build a robot first?
Lopez Dos:
¿Ustedes hablan de mí?
Caption:
You guys talking about me?
Sarge:
Dos-Point-Oh doesn't count, he's about as useless as a box full of Grifs.
Grif:
Hey, I'm offended.
Lopez Dos:
Oh... Bien.
Caption:
Oh.. ...Okay.
Sarge:
Men, I know we've considered the Blues to be our, quote "allies" unquote, for some time now. But we have to look at facts.
Simmons:
What facts?
Sarge:
Number one: they now possess a tank on legs that's capable of killing us all.
Simmons:
Okay.
Sarge:
And number two is that we didn't have our own number one first! Clearly this is a conspiracy.
Grif:
So what do you expect us to do about it?
Sarge:
I need you boys to conduct some reconnaissance. Secure intel, get deep in Charlie's bush. Initiate Delta Force, Tango and Cash!
Grif:
Are these orders or '80s acion movies?
Sarge:
Find out exactly what those pesky Blues are up to.
Simmons:
You mean go over there? Near that monster?
Grif:
See, this is exactly the kind of robot overlord shit I was talking about. If only someone had listened!
Sarge:
It'll be dangerous, but I have confidence that at least one of you will survive. Simmons.
Grif:
Why aren't you coming?
Sarge:
We've had a major breech in security. One of the bags in the wall tore open, and now there's sand all over the place.
Grif:
I can see how that might take priority.
Sarge:
Hehh, it's likely that we'll never fully recover. There's just so many tiny crevices!
Simmons:
Sarge please, I don't want to upset the Mantis.
Grif:
What's a Mantis?
Simmons:
The giant robot.
Grif:
Oh. Why is it called that?
Simmons:
I don't know, 'cause it's green? That's not the point.
Sarge:
Well that's not a very good reason to call it a Mantis.
Lopez Dos:
Tal vez lo llaman Mantis ya que tiene un sistema de camuflaje avanzado que utiliza para atrapar enemigos.
Caption:
Perhaps they call it Mantis because it has an advanced camouflage system that it uses to ensnare enemies.
Sarge:
Whatever dumb-dumb. Can't you see we're talking strategy?
Grif:
Stupid new Lopez.
Simmons:
Look, the Blues are no more dangerous than this idiot.
Lopez Dos:
Oye... vamos chicos. Ya basta.
Caption:
Hey... come on, guys. Cut it out.
Simmons:
But that robot could flatten us in an instant.
Sarge:
You raise an excellent point, Simmons.
Simmons:
I do?
Sarge:
Yep. So you'd better not get spotted while you're out there.
Grif:
Heuhhhh... let's just get this over with.
Simmons:
But I'm telling you the Blues aren't up to anything!
Cut to Wash walking through the ship, right past the sign that says Food Refrigeration / Storage
Washington:
Alright... change of plans...
 

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