Episode 10: Long Live the King

Fade in to the end of the previous episode
Washington:
Look, as long as I'm leader of this team I will do everything in my power to ensure your safety whether you like it or not.
Back to normal view
Tucker:
We don't need you protecting us.
Washington:
I know, that's why I'm trying to help you.
Tucker:
Help us with what, defending against attack? No-one is going to attack us!
Sarge:
Attack!
Cut to 30 seconds later
Tucker:
You have literally the worst timing.
Sarge:
Screw it dead man, we're no longer fraternising with the enemy!
Tucker:
Dead men?
Grif:
Now see when he says 'we', imagine he's only referring to himself. Do not group us together.
Tucker:
Bitch my armour's aqua- I think.
Washington:
What the hell are you two doing?
Grif:
Uh again, not two, just him. I can't stress this enough.
Sarge:
You made me believe that Reds and Blues could coexist! That we could work together as one people! That we could all get together, and be a little, purple.
Washington:
We can. We are, seriously, what the fuck is this about?
Sarge:
You kindapped one of my men.
Simmons:
Who- me?
Tucker:
He wasn't kidnapped dipshit, he came over here by himself. We can't get him to leave.
Sarge:
Is this true, Simmons?
Simmons:
It's not your fault Sir, it's Grif's.
Grif:
What did I do?
Simmons:
You're fucking disgusting, Grif.
Grif:
Well yeah, but I've always been like that. Sarge was the one that decided to take half the base for himself.
Simmons:
Oh. Then I guess it is your fault Sir.
Sarge:
That makes you a traitor!
Sarge hops back on the main gun of the Warthog
Simmons:
What!?
Freckles:
Threat level increased.
Caboose:
Um yeah no reason for panic, everything's fine, might anyone have a rolled-up newspaper at the ready.
Sarge:
You weren't kidnapped, you deliberately joined the enemy!
Tucker:
But if he wasn't kidnapped, that would mean we were never the enemy in the first place.
Sarge:
Don't try and confuse me with your words, shamrock.
Tucker:
I'm aqua!
Washington:
Tucker, calm down.
Tucker:
Me? These guys roll up in a fucking assault jeep, and you choose to yell at me?
Washington:
Look, tensions, are high.
Tucker:
No shit Washington, I'm tired of you bossing us around.
Washington:
Now, is not the time.
Tucker:
You know, I disagree. We were having a talk when tweedle-dee and tweedle-fucking-idiot decided to interrupt, so let's finish this.
Washington:
There's nothing to finish!
Grif:
Are we intruding on some sort of lovers' quarrel right now?
Tucker:
You are the worst thing to happen to this team since Blue Boy over there decided to show up.
Caboose:
I am a man! Blue Man!
Simmons:
You take that back, Wash is a great leader. I assume.
Sarge:
Blasphemy!
Freckles:
Deadly force authorized.
Tucker:
Seriously, I would rather follow Caboose into battle than you.
Washington:
Oh really. Then let's just make him the leader, see how much better off you are.
Caboose:
Well I humbly accept your nomination and accept the position.
Washington and
Tucker:
Shut up!
Freckles:
Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
Tucker:
Wash and I are having an argument. I will be talking back to him. That's how arguments work you fucking toaster.
Freckles:
Washington is not the commanding officer.
Tucker:
What?
Washington:
What?
Freckles:
In a unanimous decision by the Blue Team, Caboose has been promoted to Blue Leader. Captain Caboose is your commanding officer. Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
Washington:
Oh fuck.
Caboose:
Well. Yeah. This is gonna be a lot of fun.
Washington:
No, Caboose, you can't-
Freckles looks at Wash
Washington:
Look, Freckles, this is a misunderstanding.
Simmons:
Caboose is team leader? Fuck this.
Simmons starts walking away
Caboose:
Good story Simmons! As my first duty as leader as the position of nomination, I say you can be on Blue Team, forever!
Simmons:
No thanks, I'm good.
Freckles:
Private Simmons.
Simmons:
Eh-uh, oh no.
Freckles:
Deserting your post will designate you as AWOL, this designation is punishable by death.
Simmons:
WHAT!?
Grif:
Uh, hey Sarge? Now the Blues have kidnapped Simmons.
Sarge:
Then it's war!
Washington:
Wait, stop!
Sarge:
Say hello to Robot Satan you mechanical son of a-
Freckles fires on the jeep
Grif:
Bail!
The jeep explodes
Tucker:
Whoa!
Simmons:
Sarge!
Caboose:
Freckles, bad! Bad, down.
Freckles:
Primary threat eliminated.
Lopez Dos:
¿Cuál fue esa explosión? ¡MIERDA! ¿QUÉ HAS HECHO?
Caption:
What was that explos-- HOLY SHIT. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Simmons:
Sarge, are you okay?
Sarge:
Mmm, no Simmons. I'm afraid, I won't be okay, until I exact my revenge!
Grif peeks out from behind a rock
Grif:
Seriously, I am not affiliated with this lunatic. He does not speak for me.
Sarge:
Hyaah!
Freckles:
Engaging target.
Caboose:
Freckles! No!
Washington:
Sarge don't!
A gun fires up dramatically into the air, and everyone turns dramatically to see who it is, dramatically
Donut:
Man, you guys are really noisy.
Everyone:
Woohoo!
Well, they all yell various forms of 'woohoo' and 'yeah,' but fuck you, I'm not sorting out that many simultaneous voices
Donut:
Aw, you must have really missed me.
Grif:
Donut, thank God you're here.
Sarge:
We were just about ready to kill each other.
Tucker:
Speak for yourself.
Washington:
Where's the ship?
Donut:
What ship?
Washington:
The ship you came here on, the rescue team.
Donut:
Oooh, ha ha. Duh. Allow me to introduce, the rescue team!
Doc:
'Sup?
Simmons:
Doc?
Washington:
Wait, what is this?
Doc:
Donut told me you guys needed help.
Donut:
So I got the best help money could buy.
Doc:
You didn't pay me.
Donut:
And I didn't tip the pilot. That's frugality.
Sarge:
What pilot?
Donut:
The pilot that dropped us off, dummy.
Tucker:
Dropped you off?
Grif:
As in, he's not here any more?
Donut:
Exactly.
Caboose:
'Sup.
Washington:
So you're telling me, that you heard our distress signal, grabbed Doc, hopped on a ship, and then told the ship to leave? And that's your idea of sending help?
Donut:
What? No. I brought Lopez too.
Lopez:
Qué. Carajo.
Caption:
What. The fuck.
Sarge:
... Kill him!
Everyone bum rushes Donut, screaming the whole time - and I'm still not sorting out that many simultaneous voices
Donut:
Someone get this medium turquoise guy away from me!
Tucker:
I'm aqua!
Panning back we see that mystery guy from the jungle watching through a snipe rifle
Mystery Guy:
Huh. Unfortunate.
 

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