Episode 11: Worst Laid Plans

Fade in to Wash and Tucker inside Blue Base
Tucker:
This is it. This is rock bottom. You ever hit rock bottom before Wash? Well, you have now. 'Cause this is it. Can't get any lower.
Simmons:
*sniff* I wanna go home.
Tucker:
Okay well maybe I spoke too soon.
Freckles:
Attention. Officer on deck.
Caboose enters
Caboose:
Yes. Yes. Hello, thank you yes, hello. Thank you, you're welcome, yes thank you. Hhcheh, hceh, hh. H. Hello!
Freckles:
Captain, all team members are accounted for.
Caboose:
Well, excellent news, Assistant Captain Freckles.
Tucker:
Oh my lord.
Caboose:
Hi. It looks like we have a new member today. Yes, give Simmons a big Blue Team hello. Yes, welcome to Blue Team, Simmons.
Someone claps
Simmons:
Can I leave?
Caboose:
It is good to have you on board today for the Blue Team.
Freckles:
Sir. Awaiting mission briefing.
Caboose:
Oh, yes, right, oh God, right yes. Um okay uh... Yes. First order of business is t-um... uh... Wash. Psst, Wa- Wash. Washington, Washing- Washington, Wash. Wash, Wash, Wash-
Washington:
Yes, Caboose?
Caboose:
What is the first order of business?
Washington:
We're trying to get rescued.
Caboose:
Oh, yes, rescued! Yes excellent. Does anyone have any, suggestions?
Tucker and Wash look at each other
Washington:
Hh, well, we know the communications tower works, so we should continue in our efforts to make contact.
Caboose:
Ah, yes. Very good, excellent yes.
Washington:
However, we should also work on trying to boost the signal of the radio transmitter. We were barely able to maintain a steady line of communication last time. Even if we make contact again there's no guarantee anyone would be able to understand us.
Caboose:
Ah! Yes, uh- right, yes. Yes, then we need to do that! Tucker! Go fix the radio thing!
Tucker:
Me? Why not Wash? He's the one who built it.
Caboose:
Tucker, becau- don't rook it, alright listen. We're gonna keep Wash here for another job.
Washington:
But, ih- Caboose.
Freckles turns at Wash
Washington:
Hrrmm!
Caboose:
Yeah, I'm thinking that you know, uh, Washington is mean and scary. Yes, yes, he will be our lookout!
Tucker:
Lookout?
Caboose:
Yes. Washington, make sure you look out, for bad guys! And, anything, that looks scary.
Washington:
There's a giant robot trying to kill me.
Tucker:
Yeah, why can't Freckles be our lookout? Killing stuff is like, his entire reason for existing.
Caboose:
Well um, every great leader needs a great best friend, and Freckles, I think you could be that best friend.
Freckles:
...Acknowledged.
Simmons:
Uhm, do I need to do anything?
Caboose:
Oh my God a Red, oh my- ohp no sorry, sorry that's my bad. Sorry, sorry. Yeh Simmons, yes Simmons we got- we have to talk about it. Yes, um, Simmons... you do what you, ah, normally do for the Reds. But instead... for the Blues.
Simmons:
Uh, yes Sir.
Tucker:
Wait, what is your job for the Reds?
Simmons:
What do you mean, I just did it.
Caboose:
Okay everybody! Aaaaand Team! Alright see you, bye.
And off goes Caboose, into the wild blue yonder
Washington:
I hope you're happy.
Tucker:
Hey, don't pin this shit on me.
Simmons:
I'll just, stay here I guess.
Cut to Doc healing Donut in front of Grif
Doc:
Alright, you're all patched up.
Donut:
I can't feel my toes. Is that normal?
Doc:
Uhm, let's go with yes?
Donut:
Works for me.
Doc:
You know the next time someone comes to help you, I wouldn't really recommend beating the crap out of them.
Grif:
Well the next time somebody comes to help us, I hope they actually bring us help.
Doc:
Hey, I take offense to that.
Grif:
Yeah, it's called an insult.
Doc:
Oh.
Donut:
So what the heck happened? After you guys dropped me off at Valhalla, you guys were supposed to be going back to Blood Gulch.
Grif:
Well, funny story...
Cut to the interior of the ship, with someone standing in front of a sparking wall panel
Crewman:
Oh my God, who spilled soda all over my instruments?
Grif:
Oh my God, I spilled my soda?
Alarms and red lights, and we're back to the present
Grif:
Somehow, the ship crashed, but uh, no-one seems to know why or, how or, when or-
Sarge:
Men!
Grif:
I didn't do it, you can't prove that I did!
Sarge:
It's time we took action.
Doc:
Oh, we're not gonna do anything violent, are we? Remember I'm a pacifist.
Sarge:
Yeah, but think about it: Can't spell pacifist without fist. Which you need to throw a punch. That always leads to fighting, the precursor to a full-out battle. Which is ultimately the first step on the inevitable road to war! Violence is unavoidable Doc. Time to just admit you've got a natural-born pacifist lust for murder!
Doc:
Huhh, why do I even bother?
Donut:
Oh come on Doc, where's your sense of adventure? We're a bunch of strapping young men stranded in the wilderness. If that doesn't sound like a good time, I don't know what does.
Grif:
I'm starting to remember why I don't like you.
Donut:
It's just like camping. Who wants to help me pitch a tent?
Grif:
Yep, there it is.
Sarge:
Since landing in this God-forsaken hellhole, we've let Washington make all the decisions. And just look where that's gotten us: the Warthog is destroyed; we're running low on food; and Simmons is being held prisoner.
Grif:
Shit's pretty fucked.
Sarge:
It's high time we took matters into our own hands! Red hands. The days of standing idly by, while the Blues do interesting and convoluted things are over!
Donut:
All right! It's our time to shine. Can I get a heck yeah?
Sarge:
Hell no.
Donut:
Close enough.
Sarge:
What I'm about to propose to you gentlemen, is in no way simple, smart, or seemingly possible.
Grif:
Solid pep talk so far Sarge.
Sarge:
There's one thing in this canyon that's been the source of all our problems. If we want to get outta here alive, we're going to have to eliminate it. Boys, we've got to kill Freckles.
Doc:
Uh, we don't know who that is. We just got here.
Sarge:
The robot.
Donut:
You mean Lopez?
Lopez Dos:
Creo que están hablando de nosotros.
Caption:
I think they're talking about us.
Lopez:
Al menos que están hablando de mi construir no me importa.
Caption:
Unless they are talking about building me a new body I don't give a shit.
Grif:
No, the giant robot that belongs to Caboose? AKA the thing that will fucking kill us if we get anywhere near it. So exactly how do you plan on "eliminating" it Sarge?
Sarge:
Well if our ship was carrying something as big as Freckles, I figure it may have also been carrying something big enough to break him.
Grif:
We're going aboard the ship?
Sarge:
We'll move in tonight. Donut, you guard the base while we're gone.
Donut:
Awesome.
Washington:
Hey.
Wash arrives
Washington:
You guys haven't seen anything, suspicious, around, have you?
Sarge:
Uh suspicious, why whatever do you mean, Agent Washington?
Washington:
Heuh, nothing, just... doing my job.
Wash departs
Grif:
Nice save Sarge. Very convincing.
Sarge:
Heh heh. Acting.
Cut to a ship docking somewhere. Someone gets out of it and runs across some landscape, unknowingly passing someone in salmon armour who's on the ground behind a rock. He runs up a short ramp to a window
Ship Guy:
Hey can I get some fuel on three?
Voice:
You got it.
Ship Guy:
Thanks. Hey uh, I'm not really from around here, but uh, do you know about that crashed spaceship?
Voice:
Spaceship?
Ship Guy:
Yeah. I just dropped off a coupla guys who saw it in the middle of a canyon. It's big. Like, really big.
Voice:
No. I can't say I've heard of it.
Ship Guy:
Really. Oh man. I mean, someone should report that, right?
Voice:
Well, that's up to you.
Ship Guy:
Yeah, it was pretty bad. You got a phone I could use?
Voice:
Sure. Right behind you.
Ship Guy:
Thanks.
Ship Guy turns and walks down the ramp, and the Mystery Guy shoots him in the back
Mystery Guy:
Just so you're aware, no-one's gonna find your ship either.
Mystery Guy shoots him in the back of the neck
Mystery Guy:
Control this is Locus. Objective complete. Returning to Crash Site Bravo.
 

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