Episode 12: Finders Keepers

Fade in to Tucker running up behind Simmons
Tucker:
Uh-heugh, this blows. I don't know the first thing about fixing intergalactic space radios.
Simmons:
Uh huh.
Tucker:
Every movie I've ever seen with a repair man in it always glosses over the actual repairing part. It's just "Hey lady, I'm here to lay some pipe." And then bam - two scoops of raisins.
Simmons:
Uh huh...
Tucker:
Dammit woman if you'd let the man do his job, then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess.
Simmons:
Hey Tucker, what the fuck is this thing?
Tucker:
It's a gravity lift. You step in it, and it takes you upstairs.
Simmons:
Well I know that, but what the fuck is it doing here?
Tucker:
It's glowing. And going drng-drng-drdrdrng.
Simmons:
So let me get this straight: we're survivors of a shipwreck, living off of the bare necessities, and in the middle of the room is this incredible feat of modern-day technology.
Tucker:
I don't know, Wash found it on the ship and so we put it in the base. What's so weird about that?
Simmons:
It's like finding a car made out of rocks, plastic, and a Bluetooth radio.
Tucker:
Oh-hoh, we've got that too. Siri!
Ding-ding
Tucker:
Play "song dance team."
Ding-ding
Siri:
Did you mean "thong randy?"
Tucker:
Aw piece of shit.
Siri:
Calling Bolma Dee.
Simmons:
How are you able to power all of this?
Tucker:
We're hooked up to the ship.
Simmons:
You mean you have a direct line to a limitless power supply?
Tucker:
Well, no, we'll definitely run out of fuel eventually, just not any time soon. So who cares? Take as much as you want.
Simmons:
God bless the American way.
Tucker:
What're you gonna do?
Simmons:
Just a side project!
Simmons runs into the gravity lift and disappears in the direction of up
Washington:
Hey, Caboose!
Tucker moves to watch Tucker and Caboose near Freckles
Washington:
I've secured the perimeter. No bad guys to be found.
Caboose:
Excellent work, Commander Washington! I admire your determination. Why, maybe someday, you could be the leader of Blue Team.
Washington:
Yes. Maybe someday.
Caboose:
Now, I have a very important question for you Washington.
Washington:
Okay.
Caboose:
Um... Do you think Freckles would look... silly in a hat? Possibly a sombrero.
Washington:
You want to dress your pet up in people clothes.
Caboose:
To bolster morale of the troops!
Washington:
You know, I just remembered I haven't checked for any bad guys on the ship.
Caboose:
What? Washington, what are you even doing here? There ca- there could be bad guys flying that ship right now.
Washington:
You're right! Sorry Boss, I'll take care of it right away.
Wash walks off
Caboose:
Heuh. Yeah some people are just not cut out for military life Freckles. Now let's go make you that tiny hat.
Tucker:
Thanks Wash, really lookin' out for your team.
Ding-ding
Andy:
Hey, you've reached the voicemail of Andy the Bomb.
Tucker:
Siri hang up!
Cut to someone in dark grey armor with orange highlights overlooking the canyon watching this happen
Overseer:
Holy shit. It's actually them.
He hears a branch crack to his left, looks, and sees Locus cloak
Overseer:
Oh no.
Fade to nighttime, and cut to the Reds and Doc wandering the ship
Doc:
You know for a shipwreck this place actually looks pretty nice.
Grif:
You should see the other half.
Doc:
Why, is it bad?
Grif:
We don't know, it landed somewhere else.
Doc:
Yeah that's pretty bad. Hey did you guys ever watch Lost?
Grif and
Sarge:
Shut up.
Sarge:
Alright men, fan out and see what you can find. Remember: we're hunting the most dangerous prey of them all.
Doc:
Man?
Sarge:
What? No! Giant robot.
Doc:
Uhh, oh yeah.
Sarge:
Psh! Man. Everything kills man. Man's way down on the list. Right between koala and retarded koala.
Grif:
Yeah, man sucks.
Grif finds a new type of gun and picks it up.
Grif:
Hmm.
He fires it at a wall, and leaves what is clearly an explosive of some sort on it
Grif:
What the fuck. Huh.
Doc is looking at something
Doc:
Huhm...
One of the gun explosives hits Doc in the face
Grif:
Boosh! Headshot!
Doc:
Grif, what the heck man?
Grif:
Now don't be a bitch.
Doc:
What is this?
Grif:
Beats me, you wanna try? There's a whole bunch of 'em in the corner.
Doc:
Ah, I'm not sure. You know how I feel about firearms.
Grif:
Come onnn, they don't do anything. They just stick.
And beep, and flash red, and are obviously explosives
Doc:
Well, let me think about it. ... ... ... Okay.
Sarge:
Hey! This ain't a tea party numbskulls. Get rid of those toys and get back to work.
Grif:
Fine.
Doc:
Aw man.
Sarge:
And take that stupid thing off your head.
Doc:
Okay.
Doc drops it on the ground
Doc:
I never get to do anything cool.
Doc and Grif walk away, and the obvious explosive explodes - obviously
Sarge:
You better not be breaking things down there!
Doc approaches a computer terminal
Doc:
Hm. According to the ship's records, it was carrying a lot of standard issue weaponry, buuut, it also has a bunch of stuff listed as "experimental."
Grif:
Ooh, that's military slang for really fucking dangerous. Where's that stuff?
Doc:
Eh, looks like most of it was on the other half of the ship.
Grif:
Boo.
Doc:
But there is one prototype that was kept here.
Grif:
Yes!
Grif wanders off while Doc types
Grif:
The fuck are these?
Doc:
Looks like some sort of weird grenade. Or it could be a Rubik's Cube. I don't know.
Grif:
Huh.
Grif picks one up and throws it
Doc:
Dah! What are you doing?
Grif:
Trying it out.
It hits a couple crates and they vanish into it
Grif:
Whoa!
Doc:
You could have killed us!
Grif:
Did you see that?
Doc:
You can't just go around messing with experimental-
Grif throws another one
Doc:
Stop throwing that!
The crates come back when the second one lands
Grif:
Dude!
Doc:
What is wrong with you?
Grif:
These things are like teleporter cubes.
Doc:
Hah, be careful, we don't know how they work!
Grif:
What do you mean? Throw it at a thing, thing disappears. Throw another one, thing reappears. I could keep an entire buffet in the palm of my hand!
Doc:
Really? That's what you're excited about?
Sarge:
Men! Upstairs, now!
Doc:
Coming!
Grif:
Ho-ho, I am taking these.
Cut to Doc and Grif approaching Sarge
Doc:
Sarge, you'll never guess what we found.
Sarge:
Son, you could have found a laser-guided napalm shark. I still wouldn't care.
Doc:
A what?
Sarge:
You know that feeling you get when you see a pretty girl on the first day of school? You're not quite sure what to do but, your instincts just take over and you smile at her. And she smiles back. And suddenly the world is a brand new place. And your stomach is all full of twists and twirls.
Doc:
Um... yeah?
Sarge:
Well boys, I got that feeling right now.
A wider shot shows an immensely large killer robot on a platform
Grif:
Ho-ho-holy shit.
Sarge:
Except imagine that pretty girl in school as armor-plated with a titanium poly-alloy, and outfitted with fifty millimeter cannons and ammo for days.
Doc:
She sounds pretty high-maintenance.
Grif:
She sounds like I need a safeword to date her.
Sarge:
Oh yeah.
Doc:
So how do we get it out of the ship?
Grif:
Uh, teleportation cubes anyone?
Sarge:
No! A girl this fine's gotta be treated right. Oiled up and whatnot. We'll take her apart, and move her ourselves, limb by limb. Packed away in carrying cases if necessary.
Doc:
Yeah, I think your dating metaphor kinda took a turn into serial killer territory there Sarge.
Grif:
Seriously? I just found these awesome Future Cubes. It's destiny!
The sound of light metal falling on heavy metal ...happens
Sarge:
What was that?
They peek around the corner and see Wash running into a corridor
Doc:
Agent Washington?
Grif:
What the hell is he doing here?
Sarge:
Doesn't matter. Let's just dismember this beautiful lady, pack her up, and take her back to our lair. I mean base.
Grif:
Could you please stop referring to the robot as a woman? It's really weird.
Sarge:
Not as weird as the throbbing erection she's giving me.
Grif:
Jesus Christ.
Cut to Wash doing ...something. Some weird sound like a marmoset sighing and farting happens
Washington:
Hmm. Needs a conducter.
He messes with a low door
Washington:
Mm- stupid thing, just open.
He stands back and fires at it
Washington:
There we go. Huh, never thought it'd come down to this. Sorry Caboose.
Wash starts welding
 

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