Episode 13: +1 Follower

Fade in to Wash stepping in next to Tucker as he watches Simmons rooting around somewhere
Washington:
What is all this?
Simmons:
It's the future.
Tucker:
Where the hell have you been?
Washington:
I've been doing what I can to keep us alive.
Tucker:
Oh really? Then where were you when Freckles tried to kill me for calling his tiny hat stupid?
Washington:
I thought you didn't need me protecting you, Tucker.
Simmons:
Hey you guys, I'm trying to revolutionize the world of intercanyon communication, so if you could just keep it down? That'd be great.
Washington:
What is he talking about?
Simmons:
I'm talking about, the Internet!
He stands up to show off his Google clone called Simmons, with buttons "Simmons Search" and "Yes Sir!" It gives off an old AOL chime, and a male(?) voice says "Welcome."
Tucker:
Oh my God, everybody leave. Everybody leave, right now. There's something I've gotta do.
Washington:
The Internet?
Tucker:
Seriously, you're gonna see some shit if you don't leave.
Simmons:
Well, it's not actually the Internet. The only two points of communication are Red and Blue Base.
Tucker:
Why would you lie to us like that?
Washington:
You put one of these at Red Base too?
Simmons:
Yeah, I had to sneak past Freckles, but it was totally worth it.
Washington:
Why?
Simmons:
Behold!
Washington:
Basebook?
Basebook. ...I got nothing.
Simmons:
Yep. It's a site that lets you upload pictures, videos, and even text posts so your friends will always know what you're up to. It's revolutionary!
Washington:
Revolutionary? The first social media sites were created hundreds of years ago.
Tucker:
Also there are no friends in this canyon. Only forced acquaintances.
Simmons:
Well yeah, but those old sites just turned into conglomerations of attention whores. Nothing but teenagers who want to prove they were cool, and old people who wanted to prove they were still relevant.
Tucker:
So what's the point of Basebook?
Simmons:
Oh, you know, just wanna keep in touch with my friends on the Red Team while I'm your prisoner. Can't let them forget about old Simmons. Hah hah hah- hah hah hah hah hah- hah heh heuh heuh heuh heuh heuh heuh heuh.
Washington:
Glad to see you spent your time in captivity on something meaningful.
Tucker:
So you made it. What now?
Simmons:
I'm glad you asked. Let's see what Sarge is up to.
He types a bunch
Simmons:
Uh huh, hasn't set up his profile yet, well uh, hh-that's cool, um I'll just wait for an update, yeah. I'm sure it'll come eventually. He's gotta have an update. Heh a-heh heh heh, updates, heh heh heh heh.
Washington:
You know, maybe you should go outside for a bit Simmons. I'm sure Caboose wouldn't mind if you got some fresh air.
Simmons:
No no it's all good, really. B-um besides, I can see Sarge some time and make a profile for him, yeah. That would be fun. I'll make a post about it too, you know, just so he knows.
Tucker:
Hope you like the new Blue Team Wash, really worked your magic.
Caboose:
Yes.
Wash walks to the window to see what's up, and sees Freckles wearing a sombrero
Caboose:
Okay, don't move! I have to get my camera!
Freckles:
Holding position.
Caboose:
Oh God, this is gonna be so cute!
Simmons:
Hey Wash, could you take my picture and then tag me in it? 'Cause you know if I do it myself, I'll just look like one of those losers.
Washington:
Heuhhhhh.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Cut to Red Base, where Donut hears a crashing sound
Donut:
Alright, spread 'em!
He rounds the corner and sees the other Reds and Doc
Doc:
Hey Donut.
Donut:
Oh, it's you guys. What took you so long?
Doc:
It's not exactly easy transporting several tons of robot in a timely manner. I think Grif even dropped a bunch of pieces along the way.
Grif:
There's a difference between dropping and abandoning.
Sarge:
What? Dropped pieces? Grif, if I find that a single screw is missing from this death machine, I'm gonna beat the living pulp out of you, and then drink the remaining orange juice! 'Cause I like my dead men pulp-free. And with extra calcium. When available.
Grif:
What if I lost multiple screws, or several feet of armor plating?
Donut:
Yess! Giant robot fight here we come. This is gonna be awesome. Fighting fire with fire, good idea Sarge.
Grif:
I still say we just trap Freckles in a Future Cube!
Doc:
You actually took one of those with you?
Grif:
Technically yes.
He throws one at the ground, and several emerge
Grif:
But actually no.
Donut:
It's a cube that makes more cubes?
Grif:
No, they teleport stuff. Watch this. Fuck you cone! What did you ever do for me?
He throws one at a random orange cone, and the cone gets sucked up
Donut:
Whoa-ho-hoa.
Grif:
Nah, I'm just kidding cone, you can come back.
He throws another one, and the cone returns
Donut:
Ooh, they're like Pokeballs.
Grif:
No, these are cool. Do not ruin them for me.
Donut:
Or maybe it sends them to the Phantom Zone. You know like in that bad Superman movie.
Doc:
Superman 2, or Man of Steel?
Donut:
No, the eleventh remake: Superman Origins 3: Revelations.
Doc:
He-heh-hoh yeah, that was awesome.
Grif:
Sarge, look, let's just send Donut over to Blue Base with one of the cubes. He throws it at Freckles, Freckles gets zapped, and then we throw the cubes down a volcano or something.
Donut:
Why do I have to do it?
Grif:
In case it doesn't work, I wanna be alive.
Donut:
Makes sense.
Doc:
But we still don't even know how the teleportation cubes work! What if they're extremely radioactive, or what if they only work on inanimate objects?
Grif:
Uh, robots are objects.
Sarge:
Hey, you're gonna hurt some feelings here. Don't ever talk like that in front of our robot!
Lopez Dos:
He oído la palabra robot. ¿Me has llamado?
Caption:
I heard the word robot. Did you call me?
Sarge:
Nobody's talking to you idiot.
Doc:
I just think we should run some tests first.
Grif:
But tests are hard.
Sarge:
Well if it means getting you morons away from me so I can work, I say go for it.
Grif:
Seriously?
Sarge:
You can either test the cubes, or test this thing's primary defense systems.
Grif:
What do I have to do for that?
Sarge:
Just stand still and wait for the sweet embrace of death.
Grif:
Okay, yeah, I'm leaving now.
Donut:
Oohohohoh, I'm gonna update my Basebook page about this.
Doc:
Your what?
Donut:
Ho Doc, you're, gonna, love it. You should see the photo Caboose just uploaded. It's hilarious.
Lopez:
Suspiro. Otro robot. Que original
Caption:
[SIGH]. Another robot. How original.
Voice:
Psst! Hey.
Lopez Dos:
¿Has oído algo?
Caption:
Did you hear something?
Looking over, it's the guy with the orange highlights on his armor, who we decided to call Overseer in the last transcript
Overseer:
Yeah you brown guy, over here.
Lopez Dos:
¡Mierda! ¿Quien es ese?
Caption:
Holy shit, who is that?
Lopez:
¿Quién es qué? No puedo ver.
Caption:
Who is what? I can't see.
Overseer:
Hey dont move, just- listen. You and your friends are in a lot of trouble.
Lopez Dos:
¿Qué?
Caption:
What?!
Lopez:
¿En serio, que carajo este pasando?
Caption:
Seriously, what the fuck is going on?
Overseer:
I'm gonna get you guys out of here okay but- listen you've gotta sit tight for just a little while longer. Hhh, I'm not the only one that has their eyes on you.
Lopez Dos:
¿Espera, qué significa eso?
Caption:
What does that mean?
Overseer:
Hehh I gotta go. Look, I know you people can fend for yourselves, just... be careful.
Lopez Dos:
¿Tenga cuidado? ¿Porqué? ¿Quien nos está mirando?
Caption:
Be careful? Why? Who is watching us?
Lopez:
VUELTA. ME. ALREDEDOR.
Caption:
TURN. ME. AROUND.
Lopez Dos:
Se ha ido!
Caption:
He's gone!
Lopez:
¿Ido?
Caption:
Gone?
Lopez Dos:
Desaparecido.
Caption:
Vanished!
Lopez:
¿El era un hombre de los batos?
Caption:
Was he Batman?
Lopez Dos:
¡Lopez tenemos que decirle a alguen!
Caption:
Lopez, we have to tell somebody!
Lopez:
No puedes estar hablando enserio.
Caption:
You can't be serious.
Dear God I hate you Burnie. Let's cut to Sarge, with the Lopezes in the background, WHERE WE CAN'T HEAR THEM
Lopez Dos:
Sargento! Sargento!
Caption:
SARGE! SARGE!
... Kill me.
Sarge:
Hm? You talkin' to me?
Lopez Dos:
¡Un hombre acaba de estar aquí! ¡Dijo estábamos en peligro! Tenemos que...
Caption:
A man was just here! He said we were in danger! He said we have to--
Sarge:
Dos Point Oh, why don't you quit yer yappin' and make yourself useful? Can't you see I'm trying to build your replacement? I mean- duh, I'm tryin'a- build your- well yeah, he's pretty much your replacement.
Lopez:
Confía en mi muchacho. No os molestais. Usted podría dibujar y el todavía iba a encontrar alguna manera.
Caption:
Trust me kid. Don’t even bother. You could draw that man a detailed infographic describing the situation and he'd still find some way to screw things up.
Lopez Dos:
Pero podríamos ser rescatados.
Caption:
But we could be rescued.
Lopez:
Yo puedo ser un cabeza de este cañon o un cabeza de este cañon. Realmente no me importa.
Caption:
I can either be a head in this canyon, or a head in another canyon. At this point, I really don't care
Lopez Dos:
¿Pero que pasa con nuestros creadores?
Caption:
But what about our creators?
Lopez:
Son lo peor.
Caption:
They're the worst.
Lopez Dos:
¿Que quieres decir?
Caption:
What do you mean?
Lopez:
Suspiro. Vas a querer sentarse a esta historia. El será de 20 horas y en intervalos de 5 minutos
Caption:
[SIGH] You're going to want to sit down for this story. It's about 20 hours long and I only enjoy telling it in five minute intervals.
 

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