Episode 15: Neighborhood Watch

Fade in to the Lopezes
Lopez Dos:
¿Un espantapájaros?
Caption:
A scarecrow!?
Lopez:
Si.
Caption:
Yes.
Lopez Dos:
Se fueran a pasar el rato con todas las verduras.
Caption:
They just left you to hang out with all the vegetables?
Lopez:
Toma 90 días para cultivar maíz.
Caption:
It takes about 90 days to grow corn.
Lopez Dos:
¡Eso es terrible!
Caption:
That's terrible!
Lopez:
Que no era la mejor.
Caption:
It was not the best.
Sarge:
Hey Lopezes! Why don't you two come over here and gimme a hand? I always gotta get on my knees to work on this thing, but I figure it'd be easier if you just held it at chest level instead!
Lopez Dos:
Si señor.
Caption:
Yes Sir.
Lopez:
Espera. Es una cosa acerca de está gente que no me gusta.
Caption:
Wait. There is one thing about these people I do like.
Lopez Dos:
¿Qué?
Caption:
What?
Lopez:
¡Sargento! ¿Porqué no quieres que se siente miedo por recrear de vuelta?
Caption:
Hey Sarge! Why don't you want to get on your knees? Afraid it might bring back some repressed memories?
Sarge:
Heh heh, oh Lopez you old kidder you. Now come on, time's a-wastin'.
Lopez Dos:
¡Oye Sargento... hueles!
Caption:
Hey Sarge... you smell!
Sarge:
Hah! Oh, now don't tell me he's got you in on it too, heh heh heh. Lopez, you are rambunctious.
Lopez:
A veces se conforma conversaciones. Eres un [non understandable word].
Caption:
Sometimes he makes up entire conversations. You suck.
Sarge:
It is a lovely day, isn't it?
Lopez Dos:
¡Y no es inteligente!
Caption:
And you aren't smart!
Sarge:
Thank you for noticing. I have been hitting the gym.
Lopez:
¡Tu madre es tan gorda que utiliza un escala de Richter!
Caption:
Your mother is so fat she uses a Richter scale!
Lopez Dos:
¡Y es una puta!
Caption:
And she is a whore!
Sarge:
Heh heh, you guys are like a coupla three stooges. Well, whenever you two are done goofin' off, head on over! I just need to make a few more adjustments.
Lopez:
Quedece conmigo chico y te irá bien.
Caption:
Stick with me kid and you're going to be just fine.
Cut to Wash approaching Blue Base
Washington:
Here goes nothing.
Freckles cuts him off
Freckles:
Agent Washington.
Washington:
Oh- Freckles, I- I didn't see you there. Man for a behemoth you hide really well.
Freckles:
You have failed to uphold your duty to Captain Caboose.
Washington:
But I was on my way up now, ready to clean the base.
Freckles:
You lack diligence, Agent Washington.
Washington:
What?
Freckles:
You question authority, Agent Washington.
Wash starts slowly backing up
Washington:
Um... Caboose, can you come out here?
Freckles:
You must be, eliminated, Agent Washington.
Washington:
Caboose!
Caboose:
Hello.
Washington:
Your pet is trying to kill me!
Caboose:
What? That does not sound like Frec- a hey Freckles, Freckles what are you doing?
Freckles:
Agent Washington has failed to meet the minimum requirements of Blue Team service, and is no longer fit for duty. He must be eliminated.
Caboose:
Oh see, he's just doing whatever it is that he just said.
Washington:
Caboose please come here, I need to talk to you!
Caboose:
Ah, probably wants to talk about what an awesome leader I am.
He starts heading down
Washington:
... *clears throat at Freckles*
Caboose:
Yes, so, what seems to be the problem Agent Washington?
As Wash considers, Tucker appears above
Washington:
...Hhhh... I'm sorry Caboose. I'm sorry your best friend left you without saying goodbye. Maybe he thought you would try to stop him, or maybe it was just too hard for him to tell you but, no matter the reason he's still gone. He left you. Both of you. I don't really do ...emotional ...things, and, I hoped you might be able to get over this by yourself so I left you alone. And instead of coming to terms with what you lost you replaced it with... well, the first thing you found. But I should have been there for you Caboose. Hehhh, because, that's what friends do for each other.
Freckles:
Captain Caboose is not your friend. He is your commanding-
Caboose:
Uh... no we're we're all friends here Freckles it's, you know.
Washington:
That's right. And as your friend, I want to say that I'm sorry. I know it's not much, but... I made you this.
Wash steps out of the way and reveals a severed head. Gross
Caboose:
Oh my God! My old helmet!
Freckles:
Captain Caboose, you should return to your duties.
Washington:
I know how much you like Freckles, Caboose, but... you have to understand that he's very dangerous. He's not a puppy any more. Uh, kitten? Or, ami-he- he's really big.
Caboose:
Yeah, he blew up a car.
Washington:
I remember that.
Caboose walks over to Freckles
Caboose:
Freckles, you- you are one of the best machines I know. And that is saying something because, I have been friends with a lot of machines. But, from now on, a-I, I think you should listen to Agent Washington.
Freckles:
Are you sure?
Caboose:
Yeah, yeah he's very smart, really nice.
Freckles:
Acknowledged.
Caboose:
You can be leader again if you want to Wash it's, it's not as much fun as it looks. Yeah I think I'm more of the dashing second in command kind of person, you know. All the perks, no work.
Washington:
Thank you, Caboose.
Simmons:
H-h-h, I wish my team was this emotional.
Tucker:
Jesus Christ.
Caboose pops on his new helmet
Caboose:
Ah, it fits perfect! And look - someone left some gum!
Tucker:
Pretty sneaky, Wash. A couple of mushy words, a present, and you're right back up at the top.
Washington:
Nothing sneaky about it. I meant every word.
Caboose:
Uh-oh.
Caboose's visor is shorted out and black
Caboose:
I, I can't see anything. Ay- hello?
Tucker:
I think you still need to work on your craftsmanship though.
Caboose:
Oh my God, I'm blind!
Washington:
One step at a time, Tucker.
Caboose:
Gah, cn- can people see me? I can't see them!
Tucker:
Well, at least we don't have a killer robot to worry about any more.
Cut to Sarge turning on his killer robot. it emits a lot of black smoke
Sarge:
Ah hah, listen to that lady purr!
Donut:
Nice work Sarge.
Grif:
Nice work? It looks like shit. It's half the size, and it's on fire!
Sarge:
Yeah, it turns out we were missing some pieces. Which reminds me-
He punches Grif in the back of the head, and Grif falls down, and Sarge keeps hitting him
Grif:
Ow!
Sarge:
Donut, get me a glass! I'm makin' orange juice.
Grif:
Let me die!
Donut:
Getting a jump on the flu season, good thinking Sir.
Doc:
Wait, that's a thing?
Killer Robot:
C-c-cyclops, online.
Sarge:
Hah! I knew she was a beautiful lady!
Grif:
Cyclops?
Doc:
Looks more like a praying mantis to me.
Donut:
No, she said si si cyclops. I think it's Italian.
Cyclops:
Dududu, hardware malfunction.
Sarge:
Welcome to Red Team, C.C.. Now if you-
...I'm not calling it C.C.
Cyclops:
Enemy soldiers detected.
Grif:
Uh, is it supposed to do that?
Sarge:
I admire your enthusiasm C.C., but you've only got one enemy: it's a big robot over at-
Cyclops:
Negative. Motion tracker detects sixteen hostiles.
Sarge:
Wait, what?
Cyclops:
Dea-dea-deadly force, authorized.
Doc:
I'm not hostile, I'm a pacifist. Kill them.
Grif:
Hey!
Cyclops:
En-en-en-engaging targets...
The Cyclops powers down
Sarge:
Damn, she ran out of diesel.
Doc:
You converted it to diesel?
Sarge:
Of course! Looks like she needs a bigger fuel tank.
Grif:
Fuck that, she needs to be thrown off a cliff!
Sarge:
Well I don't see how that's gonna solve a fuel problem.
Donut:
Hey guys? There's eleven of us in the canyon.
Grif:
Wow Donut, that's one more than ten! Good job buddy!
Sarge:
I don't know if I'd really count Lopez.
Donut:
But, she said sixteen.
Gunfire is heard
Grif:
Oh shit.
Cut to Locus' troops advancing on the Blues and firing, and the Blues firing back
Tucker:
Who the fuck are these guys?
Caboose:
Why are we shooting off fireworks? Is it someone's birthday?
Washington:
Freckles, cover Caboose!
Caboose:
(singing) Happy birthday to me...
Simmons:
Stop shooting! We're friendly!
Shots hit near Simmons
Simmons:
That's the opposite of what I said!
Tucker:
Fuck this.
One shot, one kill
Washington:
Wait, we don't know who they are!
Tucker:
They're the guys that are gonna kill us, if we don't kill them first.
Washington:
...Freckles, take them out!
Freckles:
Engaging targets.
Freckles powers up, and that's the ball game
Freckles:
Primary threat eliminated.
Sarge:
What in sam hell's goin' on over here?
Grif:
Who were those guys?
Washington:
We don't know.
Tucker:
They showed up and just started shooting.
Lopez Dos:
Oh hombre, de repente me siento mal por.
Caption:
Oh man... I suddenly feel bad for not warning everyone.
Sarge:
Shut up Lopez. This isn't the time for jokes.
Lopez Dos:
Y ahora me arrepiento de nada.
Caption:
And now I regret nothing.
Washington:
Let's move inside, we need to find cover in case there's more hiding out in the-
The orange highlight Overseer slides in from stage left
Overseer:
Run!
Overseer pops up a shield in time to deflect a sniper bullet
Simmons:
Look out, it's another one!
A second sniper bullet goes through his leg
Overseer:
Oh, son of a bitch!
Simmons:
No wait, I'm confused!
Overseer:
Ughh, what are you doing? I said run!
Locus:
Excellent work soldiers.
Locus decloaks in front of them
Locus:
You killed my men. I suppose that makes you the real deal.
Simmons:
Okay, now I'm really confused.
Locus:
Quiet. All of you, come with me.
Washington:
...And why, would we do that?
Locus:
Because if you don't come now, I'll have to take you later.
Overseer:
Fuck off!
Locus:
You, shut your mouth and be glad I missed your head.
Overseer:
Oh my God you are such a douchebag.
Tucker:
Yeah, what he said.
Locus:
This is your last chance.
Washington:
Freckles!
Freckles opens fire, and Locus is no longer there
Grif:
Holy shit, did you see that?
Caboose:
No, what happened? Please describe it to me! Use only small words.
Overseer:
Um, any of you know how to patch up a leg?
Doc:
I'll go get some orange juice.
Overseer:
Wait, that's a thing?
 

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