Episode 16: FAQ

Fade in to everyone gathered around the Overseer
Doc:
There, good as new.
Overseer:
I can't feel my toes.
Donut:
That's normal.
Overseer:
Is it?
Wash draws on the Overseer
Overseer:
Hey hey, ho.
Washington:
You need to start talking.
Overseer:
Mmm, aggressive, paranoid, and a little melodramatic - you must be Agent Washington.
Tucker:
Hah! Melodramatic.
Overseer:
And that means the rest of you, are the Reds and the Blues.
Caboose:
Oh my God, how did he know that!?
Grif:
We're wearing red and blue armor.
Caboose:
But how can he tell?
Grif:
Will somebody please fix his helmet?
Washington:
How do you know who we are?
Overseer:
Seriously? Come on man, everybody knows about you guys. You're heroes.
Sarge:
Heroes?
Overseer:
You're the team that brought down Project Freelancer. You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers!
Simmons:
...Well, I can see how you might think that.
Sarge:
Because it's absolutely true!
Doc:
Iiit's partially true.
Grif:
But mainly false.
Washington:
Stop giving him information. What's your name?
Overseer:
Felix.
Washington:
Okay Felix, what are you doing here?
Felix:
Do you want the long answer or the short one?
Washington:
Do you want another bullet in your leg?
Felix:
Hey that bullet's there because of you.
Tucker:
He's got a point.
Washington:
Hehh, just, explain what's going on.
Grif:
Uh yeah, like who were those guys that were trying to kill us?
Simmons:
And why haven't we been rescued yet?
Felix:
Wait, where do you think you are?
Tucker:
What do you mean?
Felix:
I mean, do you understand where you've crashed?
Sarge:
Well we've been takin' bets. Highest wager's currently on Bermuda Triangle. After that we got a Gilligan's Island, and Purgatory.
Grif:
So stupid.
Donut:
No just think about it, it makes perfect sense.
Felix:
The reason no-one's come to help you, is the same reason no-one's come to help them.
He motions to the dead guys
Simmons:
Them?
Felix:
The people on this planet.
Washington:
What planet?
Felix:
Chorus.
Tucker:
Never heard of it.
Felix:
Well I wouldn't expect you to. It's on the very edge of colonized space, and after the war between the humans and the aliens, it was more or less forgotten by Earth and the UNSC.
Grif:
We crashed in the middle of nowhere, on a planet in the middle of nowhere. Fucking beautiful, everybody.
Simmons:
But how did we end up so far from home? It should have been a short flight.
Cut to Sarge's ship flashback. Sarge is messing with something, because of course he is
Crewman:
Sir, please, you can't be back here. These engines are delicate.
Sarge:
Can it poindexter, no wonder this flight's taking so long. Who ever heard of delicate engines? These engines are supposed to be big! Loud! And terrible for the environment! Let's kick this baby into slipspace!
Red lights, alarms, terror, confusion, lack of puppies, etc
Crewman:
Wait!
Back to present day
Sarge:
Uh, one mystery at a time there, Simmons.
Felix:
Now, being a small planet completely free of UNSC jurisdiction, the nice little people of Chorus decided to run things on their own. The only problem was, they didn't do a very good job.
Grif:
Eugh, history is the worst, can you just get to the point?
Felix:
The point is, you've crash landed in the middle of a civil war. And I'm on the side that's trying to keep you alive.
Washington:
And which side is that?
Felix:
The New Republic. Essentially a bunch of people got fed up with the way things were going on Chorus, so, they put together a rebel army and decided to fight for their freedom. It's all very patriotic.
Tucker:
So what, does that make those guys the evil empire or something?
Felix:
Yeah, you could say that.
Tucker:
Oh. Well fuck.
Washington:
But why the attack, why try to kidnap us?
Felix:
It's like I said, you're the greatest soldiers in the galaxy. That makes you a pretty hot commodity. And I'd be lying if I said my shitty attempt at a rescue mission didn't have a few strings attached.
Sarge:
What kinda strings we talkin' here?
Felix:
Hehh... the rebels need your help. Once they heard that you were on Chorus they sent me out with a small team to find you, bring you back. They're hoping you might be the key to winning this war.
Grif:
Nno.
Felix:
No?
The conversation moves inside
Simmons:
Yeah, no.
Caboose:
Yeah that, that's not gonna work, for me.
Washington:
Look Felix, I hate to break it to you, but we're in no condition to fight a war.
Tucker:
All we want is a ride off this shitty planet. No offense.
Felix:
Meh, it ain't my shitty planet.
Doc:
Aren't you one of the rebels?
Felix:
No, I'm a Freelancer.
Everyone but Caboose draws on him
Felix:
No, I mean I'm a mercenary, you know, a gun for hire?
Guns down
Grif:
Oh thank God.
Washington:
They paid you to come find us?
Felix:
They pay me to do lots of stuff, but, yeah, you're my current paycheck.
Washington:
So you want us to go fight someone else's war 'cause then you can make some extra cash.
Felix:
...Uhuh, it's for a good cause?
Washington:
Right. We'll just take that ride out of here if you don't mind.
Tucker:
Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Mediocrity.
Grif:
Woohoo! Here's to not goin' that extra mile.
Felix:
You know I wasn't alone when I came out here to find you. There were three of us. Just think about that.
Felix walks away
Grif:
Whatever, it's not like we asked them to save us.
Simmons:
Yeah, we definitely didn't build a giant radio tower to send a distress signal or anything.
Grif:
Shut up.
Radio sounds
Felix:
Headquarters, this is Felix. I've made contact with the Reds and Blues.
Headquarters:
Holy shit, you found 'em? That's great! Oh- what's your status?
Felix:
Nnnot good. We ran into some Feds. I need an evac team.
Headquarters:
Dammit. Uh, Felix I can't just fly somebody out there.
Felix:
Yeah I know, okay, but you send as many men as you can, as fast as you can. Locus has our position.
Headquarters:
Oh no.
Tucker:
Who's Locus?
Felix:
Now I wanna do this quiet, and I wanna do it right. But just to be safe, bring a shitload of guns.
Headquarters:
Right. Sending reinforcements, Sir.
Felix:
Roger. Felix out.
Radio sounds, and Felix returns to the group
Grif:
So, what now?
Felix:
Now we work on making this canyon the most defendable hole in the ground the universe has ever seen.
Washington:
Why.
Felix:
Because we're about to get hit, hard. I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand, let's set up choke points and mark potential sniper's nests.
Washington:
Whoa whoa whoa, slow down. We're not telling you anything, we still don't even know if we can believe you.
Felix:
Well believe this: If we don't prepare for a fight, we might as well just be waiting for a massacre.
Washington:
...Tucker, see if you can fix Caboose's helmet.
Caboose:
Hey, who said that?
Washington:
Sarge, you and the Reds build up an arsenal. If we can use it as a weapon, let's get it prepped.
Sarge:
I can think of a few things that might come in handy.
Washington:
Felix. You and I, aren't done talking.
Felix:
Well alright then. Let's see if you guys are as good as they say.
Grif:
Prepare to be sorely disappointed.
 

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