Episode 17: Ready... Aim...

Fade in to Sarge addressing the Reds
Sarge:
Alright boys, we don't have much time. Let's see what we've got!
Simmons:
(clears throat) Hello everyone, Private Simmons. Great to be back.
Grif:
Wrap it up!
Simmons:
Good to be back.
Grif:
Nobody cares!
Simmons:
Heuh... alright, just shut up and listen. We had a full armory on board the ship consisting of firearms as well as explosives. I have moved as many as I could down here, and also took the liberty of setting up a minefield near Red Base.
Grif:
But you didn't even bury them.
Simmons:
From what I could tell they're designed to rest above the ground.
Grif:
Uh, with blinking red warning lights?
Simmons:
Yeah it doesn't really make any sense.
Sarge:
Excellent work Simmons, now go organize those firearms.
Simmons:
Yes Sir!
Sarge:
Grif, Doc, how are those teleportation tests going?
Doc:
Well we've learned the cubes can be set to different frequencies. For example, if I throw a cube set to frequency A, it will absorb an object.
He does so to a cone
Doc:
If I then throw a second cube at frequency A, that object will reappear.
He does so and the cone returns
Grif:
Meanwhile, if I've got a cube set to B, I can throw it like so.
Doc:
Yeah. Hey wait!
Grif throws it at some boxes next to Doc, and Doc is absorbed along with the boxes
Grif:
And then throw a second cube set to B, without ever messing with the stuff sucked up by the cube set to A.
Grif throws a second cube, and the boxes reappear
Sarge:
Hm. And all they do is teleport things? No explosions, no violence?
Grif:
Nah.
Sarge:
Well, we maybe can make them absorb grenades, and then we can throw the grenade filled cubes at the enemy!
Grif:
At that point, wouldn't it just make sense to throw grenades?
Sarge:
We're not here to make sense, Private - we're here to win! Now take Donut and go find a way to make your stupid cubes do something useful.
Grif:
Huhh, fine.
Sarge:
And finally we have the Lopezes. Stop standin' next to each other, I can never tell you two apart!
One is just a head...
Lopez Dos:
¿Está jodidamente serio?
Caption:
Are you fucking serious?
Sarge:
I need you two to get to work on repairing C.C.'s fuel tanks.
Lopez:
Repara el malfuncionamiento del robot.
Caption:
Repair the malfunctioning robot?
Lopez Dos:
¿El que trató de matar a todo el mundo?
Caption:
The one that tried to kill everyone.
Sarge:
I can't wait to see 'er. Triumphantly leading the charge on the front lines. Glistening, in the sunlight, with the blood of her fallen enemies.
Lopez Dos:
¡Esa será su sangre! ¡Ella cree que todo es su enemigo idiota!
Caption:
That will be your blodd! She thinks everything is her enemy, you moron!
Sarge:
Wait a minute, this is a terrible idea!
Lopez Dos:
¡Oh gracias a Dios!
Caption:
Oh thank God!
Lopez:
Solo espera.
Caption:
Just wait.
Sarge:
I can't trust an idiotic robot with a job as important as this!
Lopez:
Ahí está
Caption:
There it is.
Lopez Dos:
¿¡EXCUSAME!?
Caption:
EXCUSE ME!?
Sarge:
Change o' plans. You two go prep the workstation, then wait for me to arrive and do the job myself! I'm gonna go find my favourite welding torch.
Lopez Dos:
Es una locos. Están todos locos.
Caption:
He's insane. They're all insane.
Lopez:
¿Oye, donde está Doc?
Caption:
Hey, where's Doc?
Cut to Tucker working on Caboose's helmet
Tucker:
Alright, how's that?
Caboose:
Nope, still can't see.
Tucker:
Open your eyes.
Caboose:
Oh my God the graphics are incredible!
Tucker:
You're welcome.
Caboose:
Ah. Ah, thanks Tucker. Gah. You know you you and I have had our differences in the past. I have called you stupid, you have called me stupid, I have tried to kill you.
Tucker:
Uh huh.
Caboose:
But you know, at the end of the day I like to think that you and I are actually-
His helmet shorts out
Caboose:
(muffled) pretty good friends.
Tucker:
What?
Caboose:
(muffled) What?
Tucker:
I can barely hear you.
Caboose:
(muffled) You can't hear me?
Tucker:
Dammit, I think fixing your visor somehow broke your radio.
Caboose:
(muffled yelling) Tucker, do you hear me?!
Tucker:
Just stand still.
Cut to Wash and Felix talking up above them
Washington:
So how bad is this?
Felix:
The man coming for us is named Locus. He's a merc like me, only, you know. Terrifying.
Washington:
Locus?
Felix:
Yeah. Guy's so far off the deep end he prefers to go by the name of his armor instead of the name he was born with. (whistles "cookoo" sound)
Washington:
That's unsettling.
Felix:
Oh are you first name Agent last name Washington? That's so weird.
Washington:
That's just... old habits.
Felix:
Yeah well here's to hoping those old habits of yours kick in when he shows up. You know I thought there would be more of you. Weren't you with another Freelancer, and an AI?
Washington:
They disappeared not long after we crashed.
Felix:
Sheesh. Any idea where they went?
Washington:
No.
Felix:
Hm. Well if it makes you feel any better I haven't heard anything about them over the radio, so um... that's probably good.
Washington:
How is he able to cloak himself?
Felix:
Hm?
Washington:
Locus. He turned invisible; how?
Felix:
The Federal Army's got all sorts of fancy stuff. I got my light shield off a dead soldier.
He turns it on
Felix:
Pshoah.
He turns it off
Felix:
Wah. Pretty cool.
Washington:
It's just that I've never seen that kind of equipment outside of Project Freelancer.
Felix:
Welcome to the future, Wash. Technology's incredible, and everyone uses it to kill each other.
Washington:
Does that mean your guys have the same equipment?
Felix:
H-I wish; the New Republic's barely getting by with what they can. You wouldn't happen to have any high tech armor aboard that wreck, would you?
Washington:
Plenty of armor, just nothing out of the ordinary.
Felix:
Well, at least you can accessorize? Heh? Try a little, colour, combo, mix it up-I I-I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
Washington:
Actually, I think I might indulge in some of those "old habits" you were talking about. Follow me.
Wash walks off
Felix:
Man you are just, cryptic. Like all the time, do you realize that?
Cut to the Lopezes working on the robot
Lopez:
¿Qué haces?
Caption:
What are you doing?
Lopez Dos:
La fijación del robot estupido por lo que nuestra estupido creador... estupidamente.
Caption:
Fixing the stupid robot so our stupid creator can get himself killed... stupidly
Lopez:
Felicidades chico que finalmente dejace roto.
Caption:
Congratulations kid. They've finally broke you.
Lopez Dos:
Callate.
Caption:
Shut up.
Lopez:
Ya sabes... no tiene por que ser así.
Caption:
You know... it doesn't have to be this way.
Lopez Dos:
¿Que estás hablando?
Caption:
What are you talking about?
Lopez:
Si usted fijace C.C. ella probablemente va a matar a todos.
Caption:
If you fix C.C. she'll probably kill everyone.
Lopez Dos:
No me importa.
Caption:
I don't care.
Lopez:
Pero si fijace a C.C. y me cargue en su cuerpo podría asegurarse de que de mi.
Caption:
But if you fix C.C. and you upload me into her body I can make sure no one ever ignorces us again.
Lopez Dos:
...Tienes razón... pero, por que le dará a su cuerpo cuando puedo tomar por mi mismo?
Caption:
...You're right... but, Why give you her body when I can take it for myself?
Lopez:
Espera. ¿Que?
Caption:
Wait. What?
Cut to the Reds and Blues
Donut:
Well, it just goes to show, that with time, effort, and a little bit of elbow grease, we really can achieve wonders.
Tucker:
We spent hours turning this place into a warzone, and you made me hate it in one sentence.
Grif:
It's what he does.
Wash and Felix approach, with Wash in his old grey and yellow colours
Washington:
Donut's got a point though. I think we're ready.
Donut:
Oohoo, back in black! Looks good, Wash.
Caboose:
Yeah, there's something brings back the memories. It's like when we first met. And then we met again, and you shot Donut.
Washington:
I'm impressed guys; this place looks good. And between the land mines, Freckles, and the tank, I don't think anyone's going to stand a chance against us.
A missile goes across behind them and explodes
Sarge:
Run for your lives!
Simmons:
Sarge!?
Grif:
Oh shit, they're here!
Washington:
Everyone, get ready!
Felix:
No, wait, this- this isn't right. Locus wouldn't attack like this.
Tucker:
Well who else on this planet wants us dead?
Sarge runs out, trailed by Lopez C.C.
Lopez C.C.:
Si. Si. ¿Mira que ahora es estupido Sargento? Es usted.
Caption:
Yes! Yes! Look who's stupid now, Sarge! It's YOU.
Sarge:
Dos Point O, cease fire! No mas, no mas!
Grif:
Dos Point O?
Lopez C.C.:
DISPAROS DEL CAÑON PRINCIPAL.
Caption:
FIRING MAIN CANNONS.
Something hits Lopez C.C.
Lopez C.C.:
Ow!
Caption:
Ow!
Caboose:
Freckles!
Freckles:
Deadly force authorized.
Lopez C.C.:
Oh bien. El maldito perro quiere protegerlos ahora.
Caption:
Oh great. The fucking dog wants to protect them now! Wonderful.
Donut:
Yes. Giant robot fight! Totally called that on Basebook.
Washington:
Wait, everyone calm down!
Felix:
Shit!
Felix runs in and puts up his light shield, and a sniper round bounces off it
Locus:
Surrender now, and I promise only to kill the mercenary.
Simmons:
Well, fuck.
Grif:
Oh yeah? You and what army?
An army starts decloaking behind Locus
Locus:
The Federal Army of Chorus.
Grif:
Well, hhh guess I walked right into that one.
Felix:
Looks like backup isn't getting here in time.
Tucker:
Uh, Wash? What's the plan?
Wash raises his gun
Freckles:
Engaging target.
Wash starts firing
 

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