NSA

Fade in to Sarge and Grif
Sarge:
Why hello! I'm Sarge, from the popular web series, Red vs. Blue.
Grif:
And I'm Dexter Grif. We're here today to make a public service announcement about the dangers, of twerking.
Simmons comes running up from behind
Simmons:
Stop, guys, stop the video - something terrible has happened! I just found out that the NSA's been spying on everybody! And not just phone calls, social media, and emails, they're even spying on people in video games.
Grif:
Aw, man, video games? Well, as long as they're not spying on our porn I guess we're okay.
Simmons:
Yeah! That too!
Grif:
This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!
Simmons:
The NSA not only collected data on gamers, they even planted virtual double-agents in tons of online first-person shooters. They were trying to find people that might exhibit violent tendencies.
Sarge:
Heh heh. Does anyone not exhibit violent tendencies while playing a first-person shooter?
Grif:
Hyeah. I bet if we came across one of their so-called "spys", they'd stick out like a sore thumb.
Caboose:
Um hello. Yes. Would anyone like to blow up something with me today?
Simmons:
Not now Caboose, and for the last time would you quit eavesdropping on us constantly?
Caboose:
D-oh yes, of course! I'll just add a note that you are making secret plans to our master database- I mean my diary!
Simmons:
Look Sarge, we've just gotta be really careful about what we say now, in case the NSA's listening. We don't want them to think we're terrorists. And that's why I've taken the liberty of intercepting all communications in the canyon.
Sarge:
You did what?
Simmons:
It's time to start laying down some ground rules. Sarge, according to my records, you use the phone at least once a day to call for tech support.
Simmons turns on a recording, which plays:
Sarge:
Alright, I've plugged it back in. Now it's just blinkin' at me.
Lopez:
Está funcionando.
Caption:
It's working.
Sarge:
Are you sure?
Lopez:
Sí.
Caption:
Yes.
Sarge:
Yeah is there anyone else I can talk to about this? Maybe your manager?
Lopez:
Yo soy el Presidente.
Caption:
I'm the President.
The call ends
Sarge:
And just what exactly was wrong with that?
Simmons:
Uh, Sir, have you ever considered that Lopez might be an illegal alien? If the NSA found out we'd be in trouble for sure.
Sarge:
Lopez? He told me his name was Tim! From Ohio!
Simmons:
I'm taking away your phone privileges Sir.
Grif:
Hah!
Simmons:
That goes for you too Grif.
Grif:
What? What did I do?
Simmons:
My records show over the past two months you made 782 prank calls. All of them to Sarge.
Sarge:
Prank calls!? Why you dirty little-
A phone rings
Sarge:
Uhp- that's for me! Back in a jiff. Dadadoo dadoo dadoo.
Sarge runs off
Grif:
I have an automated machine.
Simmons:
Seriously?
Grif:
Plays scheduled recordings of me pretending to be different people.
Simmons:
Grif, if the NSA found out you were providing false information over the phone, we would be screwed.
Grif:
You know, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with you going through all our stuff.
Simmons:
Trust me Grif, it's for the greater good. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to Tucker about the dangers of Snap Chat.
Grif:
Hold on a second Simmons, you're going about this all wrong.
Simmons:
Huh? What do you mean?
Grif:
We shouldn't be trying to hide what we say from the NSA, we should be focusing on getting them to stop spying on us in the first place.
Simmons:
Well how're we supposed to do that?
A Message to the Children
Fade in to Grif and Simmons
Grif:
Hello, I'm Dexter Grif from the popular web series Red vs. Blue.
Simmons:
And I'm Private Dick Simmons from the same show.
Grif:
Today, we'd like to deliver a message to the children.
Simmons:
Specifically, the early teens.
Grif:
Over the past few years, your kind have become champions of social media. At video games, and basically anything that can just be classified as a distraction.
Simmons:
Posting and tweeting about every insignificant moment in your life.
Grif:
Using $500 gaming consoles to tell someone from another country, that you're banging their mom. Or their grandma. Sometimes their dad.
Simmons:
And complaining about pretty much everything.
Grif:
To those of you who would take part in these activities, we ask, that you do it more.
Simmons:
Faster.
Grif:
Don't ever stop.
Simmons:
In fact start doing it via telephone.
Grif:
Call your grandma and tell her all about your favourite pop star while teabagging some loser in Capture the Flag.
Simmons:
Then throw some shady song lyrics on a gif, and email it to everyone you know.
Grif:
But not until you've first posted a vague, emotional status update on Facebook, followed closely and quickly by an ellipses, with a frowny reaction.
Simmons:
You see, if the NSA wants to look at every text, call, and internet search we make, then it's up to the people to make them suffer through it.
Grif:
And if we're lucky, then maybe, just maybe, they'll realize that we're all just a bunch of self-absorbed idiots that aren't worth spying on. Remember: it's for the greater good.
Caboose:
Oh no! Someone has left this highly volatile explosive material lying around! How dangerous! ...Or fun...
Gunshots
Caboose:
Yeah. I'll put that in the database.
 

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