Transcripts « Blood Gulch Chronicles Season 3 « Indigestion 2004

Indigestion 2004

Fade in on Church and Grif in front of the Warthog
Church:		Hey everybody. Lately there's been a number of people coming to our website, redvsblue, looking for information about red states versus blue states.
Grif:		Yeah they all wanna complain about each other and they're looking for a new place to do it.
Cut to Church next to a political map of the U.S.A.
Church:		Yeah we don't really keep up with current events, but apparently from what we've been able to figure out, the red states did something that caused a disaster in the blue states, and now all the people are being forced to evacuate to Canada and France. And for some reason the evacuation is being led by a fat guy from Michigan.
A picture of Michael Moore appears next to Church, and he later gets the Russian Communism symbol in a speech bubble
Church:		We don't, really understand a lot of it.
Grif:		Yeah, and the people in the red states are mad because the people in the blue states are mean to them, and want them to pay money for roads and school instead of cool things like NASCAR and shotguns. Also, there's somethin' about ketchup in there. Like we said, a lot of this stuff doesn't make much sense.
Church:		Yeah but our website isn't really about large groups of people that hate themselves. It's more about small groups of people, that are able to hate on a much more personal level.
Grif:		Like I hate Church because he's blue.
Church:		And I hate Grif because he's not blue. In fact he's, not even really red. It's more like a, orangey kinda peach... Well sorta like somebody threw up and decided to call it a color.
Grif:		The blue idiot's right. This time of year we should all come together and hate as a group, like our ancestors did.
Church:		And what better to hate than turkeys? And what better way to hate 'em, than to eat 'em by the million.
Pan over to Sarge and Simmons
Sarge:		Exactly.
Grif:		Hey Sarge, how's the big dinner coming?
Sarge:		Well there's seven of us, so I thought one turkey wouldn't cut it.
Church:		Yeah I can see how only three pounds of meat would leave us unsatisfied.
Sarge:		Are you familiar with the turducken?
Grif:		Yeah, that's what I do when I visit the monkey house at the zoo and make 'em mad.
Simmons:		Not turd ducking, a turducken. It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.
Church:		You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.
Grif:		Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?
Sarge:		Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.
Church:		Yeah. They seemed like real underachievers there.
Sarge:		So I decided to make my own variety.
Church:		What's that, a pull-cat stuffed in a possum?
Sarge:		Nope, first we start with a hummingbird- (a picture of a hummingbird appears next to Sarge)
Grif:		A what?
Sarge:		Put that in a sparrow (picture of a sparrow), stuff them both in a cornish hen (picture of a cooked hen), then put that in a chicken (picture of a guy in a chicken suit). Put all that in a duck (picture of a mallard duck), then in a turkey (hand-drawn picture of a hand turned in to a turkey), then in a bigger turkey (picture of Michael Moore again).
Grif:		Two turkeys?
Sarge:		Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin (picture of some penguins), stuff that in a peacock (picture of the NBC logo from the '70s), then an eagle (picture of an eagle), shove it all in an albatross (picture of an albatross in flight), then an emu (that well-known picture of an emu's head, head on), next comes an ostrich (picture of a running ostrich), then a leopard (picture of a sleeping leopard)! Put all that in a pterodactyl (artist's rendering of a pterodactyl), and then stuff it in a Boeing 747 (picture of a 747).
Church:		... Cool. I get a wing.
Simmons:		I call the turbine.
Sarge:		Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?
Church:		You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for eleven years.
Sarge:		That's why we're going to deep fry.
Sound of an oil tanker's horn going off
Sarge:		There's the oil now!
Simmons:		What was that leopard for?
Sarge:		Presentation.